The Jerky Boys Album 4

Track List

“Cold Feet – Frank Rizzo” (1:28)
“The Need To Dance – Jack Tors” (2:45)
“Sol’s Thermometer Mishap – Sol Rosenberg” (1:06)
“Testing For Jeopardy – Frank Rizzo” (4:22)
“Dead Pet Removal – Mike Derucki” (:57)
“Little Elves – Tarbash” (3:16)
“I’m A Diva – Jack Tor s” (1:55)
“Boats Express – Frank Rizzo” (1:54)
“Hey Sir! – Sol Rosenberg” (1:28)
“Kissel Sails – Kissel w/Wife” (2:17)
“Herman – Sammy Cox” (2:03)
“Rizzo The Rainmaker – Frank Rizzo” (2:40)
“Bacon – Jack Tor s” (:26)
“Food & Drug Complaint – Sol Rosenberg” (2:37)
“Hello Ray (The Phone Man) – Mike Derucki” (3:01)
“A Little Information – Jack Tor s” (:49)
“Trains – Jocko Johnson” (4:10)
“Mining For Scotty – Frank Rizzo” (2:54)
“Mariposa – Pico” (2:19)
“Spider Monkey – Jack Tor s” (2:18)
“Truck Registration – Frank Rizzo” (2:19)
“Sol’s Turnstile – Sol Rosenberg” (2:53)
“Laundromat – Frank Puma” (3:16)
“Jerk Baby Jerk (Bass Mix) – the Jerky Boys” (3:13)

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Boats Express

0:01 Phone rings

0:09 Speaker1:  “Hello?”

0:10 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, hello?”

0:12 Speaker1:  “Hello.” 

0:13 Frank Rizzo:               “How ya doin?”  

0:14 Speaker1:  “I’m doin, how you doin?

0:15 Frank Rizzo:               “Alright, I want something transported.”

0:16 Speaker1:  “I want to ship it for you.” 

0:18 Frank Rizzo:               “That’s right. You get it to Ireland?”

0:20 Speaker1:  “Huh?” 

0:21 Frank Rizzo:               “Ireland?” 

0:22 Speaker1:  “Ireland?” 

0:22 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah.” 

0:23 Speaker1:  “We do Ireland.” 

0:24 Frank Rizzo:               “You give me a quote, price quote?”  

0:26 Speaker1:  “Yeah.”  

0:27 Frank Rizzo:               “I got about 1 ,000 pounds of cocaine, figured you guys would run it up there.”

0:32 Speaker1:  “Who is this?

0:33 Frank Rizzo:               “Hello?” 

0:34 Speaker1:  “Who is this?” 

0:35 Frank Rizzo:               “Are we going to do business, or no?”

0:36 Speaker1:  “Who is this?” 

0:37 Frank Rizzo:               “It’s Frank.” 

0:38 Speaker1:  “Frank. We don’t do cocaine, Frank.” 

0:41 Frank Rizzo:               “Alright, how bout some marijuana?” 

0:43 Speaker1:  “Whatever you can get, sample it. We’ll take samples of it.”

0:46 Frank Rizzo:               “Oh yeah? Hey, nobody knows better, right?” 

0:49 Speaker1:  “Right.” 

0:50 Frank Rizzo:               “You know, me and you, we get a deal on the side.” 

0:52 Speaker1:  “Yeah.” 

0:53 Frank Rizzo:               “What do you say? No go?”

0:55 Speaker1:  “Frank.” 

0:56 Frank Rizzo:               “Frank who?”

0:57 Speaker1:  “Frank Rizzo.”

0:58 Frank Rizzo:               “Rigo?”

0:59 Speaker1:  “Rizzo.”

1:00 Frank Rizzo:               “R-I-Z-Z-O. What do you say? I can drive the shipment up there myself.”

1:07 Speaker1:  “Frank Rizzo.”  

1:08 Frank Rizzo:               “We put it on the boat overnight.”  

1:11 Speaker1:  “Who the fuck are you?” 

1:12 Frank Rizzo:               “You know what, I’ll get one of them rubber, rubber dinghies. You tow the shit in the rubber dinghy behind the boat, so I’ll be responsible.”

1:18 Speaker1:  “Who is this?”

1:19 Frank Rizzo:               “Come on, you fuck, stop playin with me.”

1:21 Speaker1:  “Who the fuck is this?” 

1:23 Frank Rizzo:               “It’s Frank.” 

1:25 Speaker1:  “I don’t know who this guy is.”

1:26 Frank Rizzo:               “Are you gonna do it for me, or no?” 

1:29 Speaker1:  “What’s my options?” 

1:32 Frank Rizzo:               “Well, you really don’t have many, how bout a pair of cement shoes?” 

1:35 Speaker1:  “I already have a pair of those.” 

1:37 Frank Rizzo:               “Oh yeah? They don’t fit too good?”

1:38 Speaker1:  “Nah, they’re too tight.” 

1:40 Frank Rizzo:               “Alright, maybe we make a pair for me and you throw me overboard, how’s that?”

1:42 Speaker1:  *laughs* 

1:43 Frank Rizzo:               “Maybe swab the decks together, we finger each other in the ass. What do you say?”  

1:46 Speaker1:  *laughs* 

1:48 Frank Rizzo:               “Go on, you filthy bastard. I’ll get somebody else to tow this shit for me.” 

1:52 Speaker1:  *laughs* 

1:53 Frank Rizzo:               “So long, nutty.”

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Laundromat – The Jerky Boys 4

00:00:03 Frank Puma: “What the fuck can they be?”

00:05 Speaker 2: “Laundry.”

00:06 Frank Puma: “Yeah, who’s in charge over there?”

00:07 Speaker 2: “Who’s calling?”

00:09 Frank Puma: “Yeah, this is Puma. Frank Puma. I had my little boy go there and leave off some laundry. We got it back now. It’s not even folded. It’s all wrinkled. What kind of place are you running over there?”

00:21 Speaker 2: “When did you bring it?”

00:24 Frank Puma: “I brought it there this morning? See, I brought it there cause the ad said you wash, fold, do all that mumbo jumbo stuff. But when I got it back, I told my kid, you know, I smacked my kid.”

00:34 Speaker 2: “I did no work for Puma.”

00:37 Frank Puma: “That’s my name there, sweetheart. My kid just came there just now and picked it up. You know, you gotta run a business better than that.”

00:44 Speaker 2: “No, he didn’t pick it up. Are you sure?”

00:47 Frank Puma: “Are you calling me a liar?”

00:49 Speaker 2: “Listen, I know what I did.”

00:52 Frank Puma: “Okay. Okay. How about we –”

00:54 Speaker 2: “I have a list of… work I do.”

00:57 Frank Puma: “Okay, honey. How about we do this? How about I send my kid there right now, and we collect our money back.”

01:02 Speaker 2: “No, I didn’t do your work.”

01:05 Frank Puma: “Oh, so you’re saying this is all a makeup story on your part. I never came in there. I’ll show you the clothes now.”

01:10 Speaker 2: “I can’t see your son.”

01:12 Frank Puma: “I’ll send my son there right now.”

01:15 Speaker 2: “I can’t see your son. Because I did nothing for nobody by the name of Puma.”

01:19 Frank Puma: “He said he was talking to you for 20 minutes about Lost In Space and all these TV shows. I know you.”

01:24 Speaker 2: “Are you sure you got the right laundromat?”

01:27 Frank Puma: “Of course I got the right laundromat. It’s on the [beep], right?”

01:32 Speaker 2: “Yes.”

01:33 Frank Puma: “You’re 54 [beep] avenue.”

01:36 Speaker 2: “Well, your son is lying to you, sir.”

01:38 Frank Puma: “You call me — you saying my son’s a liar then?” You’re accusing my sweet little angel face son of being a liar. How dare you! How about I come there right now and lick you down. You don’t say that to me. My son’s a good little kid.”

01:57 Speaker 2: “Who is this?”

01:58 Frank Puma: “This is Puma, Frank Puma. I’ve been living here for 28 years. My son comes down there, gives you clothes. You give it back all fucked you, not folded.”

02:09 Speaker 2: “He didn’t give me no clothes.”

02:12 Frank Puma: “Here he is right now. Hey Jason, you went to that place over there at 54 [inaudible 2:16] Laundromat? Yeah, I went there. He tells me he went there.”

02:26 Speaker 2: “Can you put him on the phone, please?”

02:27 Frank Puma: “Hold on a minute. Speak to this lady.”

02:32 Anthony  Puma: “Hello.”

02:33 Speaker 2: “Hello?”

02:34 Anthony  Puma: “Yes.”

02:35 Speaker 2: “Who is this?”

02:26 Anthony  Puma: “This is Anthony. I went this morning to pick up the clothes.”

02:41 Speaker 2: “[inaudible].”

02:45 Frank Puma: “You see what you did to him?! Get back here. You lied to me.”

02:54 Speaker 2: “What kind of joke is this? Are you prancking up?”

02:56 Frank Puma: “He’s lying, he lied to me. You lied.”

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Rizzo The Rainmaker

0:01 Phone rings

0:05 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah?” 

0:07 Speaker2:  “Yes, I’m looking for the major league rainmaker.”

0:09 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, what’s up?”

0:11 Speaker2:  “Am I talking to the major league rainmaker?”

0:13 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, I make it rain, snow, sleet, whatever the fuck you want.”

0:17 Speaker2:  *laughs* “My name is Mike *beep* I’m an attorney in Manhattan.” 

0:19 Frank Rizzo:               “That’s great, Mike.” 

0:21 Speaker2:  “Uh, and I’m, I might be interested in doing something with you if you would be interested in doing something with me.” 

0:28 Frank Rizzo:               “Okay, shoot.” 

0:29 Speaker2:  “Well, I’m a trial lawyer for 23 years already.” 

0:32 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, that’s great.” 

0:34 Speaker2:  “Uh, my specialty is negligence and malpractice work.” 

0:38 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah.”  

0:40 Speaker2:  “I have some experienced in commercial litigation, but quite frankly, not much.”

0:45 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, me, I’m fuckin good, I get anybody off, you know what I’m sayin?”  

0:48 Speaker2:  “Do you have an office in New York?”  

0:51 Frank Rizzo:               “Actually, no, I was thrown out of my last office.” 

0:52 Speaker2:  “Uh huh.” 

0:53 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, I didn’t pay the fuckin rent, you know how that goes.” 

0:56 Speaker2:  “Uuh…” 

0:57 Frank Rizzo:               “Okay, Ray, ya seem to be gettin tired on me, or something.” 

1:01 Speaker2:  “I’m not getting tired, it’s just, I’m a serious lawyer, I’m looking to increase my business.” 

1:05 Frank Rizzo:               “I got some guy, some doh one time, he was upstate, he says a cow bit him.  A fuckin cow bit him through the fence, can you believe that one?” 

1:13 Speaker2:  *Groans* 

1:14 Frank Rizzo:               “Ya see what I’m sayin?”  And I got him a lot of money from that farmer.

1:18 Speaker2:  *Laughs* 

1:19 Frank Rizzo:               “Ya see? That’s what I do.”  

1:22 Speaker2:  “This is crazy.” 

1:23 Frank Rizzo:               “Not to mention the fact I got him a few rides around a field on a fuckin cow, you know?  Yeah, I got him off there.” 

1:32 Speaker2:  ”Uhh.” 

1:33 Frank Rizzo:               “Tell me some fun cases that you’ve had.”

1:37 Speaker2:  “Uh, fun cases, fun cases. Oh, I get money for people in jail.” *laughs* 

1:42 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, that’s cute.” 

1:44 Speaker2:  “Uhh…” 

1:46 Frank Rizzo:               “You go up to the country there, you know you’ve got all them fuckin farm animals, they’re all locked up.” 

1:52 Speaker2:  “Oh, this is a riot, this really is funny.”

1:53 Frank Rizzo:               “You ever see a fuckin horse get whipped?” 

1:56 Speaker2:  “No.” 

1:57 Frank Rizzo:               “I used to throw hot coffee all over the ass of the horse there, and then whip him while he was kickin at me.” 

2:01 Speaker2:  *laughs* “I don’t believe that.” 

2:04 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, those fuckin things are crazy. You know, I tried to sue myself one time.”

2:07 Speaker2:  “And how did you make out?” 

2:09 Frank Rizzo:               “I cleaned myself out pretty good.”

2:11 Speaker2:  “Yeah?”

2:12 Frank Rizzo:               “Yeah, I’m a rainmaker.” 

2:13 Speaker2:  “Alright.” 

2:16 Frank Rizzo:               “What do you say there, Mike?” 

2:18 Speaker2:  “I say it’s quitting time for me.” 

2:20 Frank Rizzo:               “What’s your name?” 

2:21 Speaker2:  “Mike.” 

2:22 Frank Rizzo:               “Okay, Mike. So then I’ll talk to you later, then.  Have a good weekend.” 

2:26 Speaker2:  “You too.” 

2:27 Frank Rizzo:               “Get yourself all liquored up.” 

2:28 Speaker2:  “I’ll do that.“ 

2:29 Frank Rizzo:               “Alright there, Mike.” 

2:31 Speaker2:  “I’m goin to the fights tonight, I’ll really get liquored up.” 

2:32 Frank Rizzo:               “Get liquored up, get in the ring yourself, you crazy fuck.”

2:35 Speaker2:  *laughs* 

2:36 Frank Rizzo:               “Alright there, Charlie.” 

2:37 Speaker2:  “Bye.” 

2:38 Frank Rizzo:               “So long, ya fuck. 

2:39 Speaker2:  *laughs*

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Hello, Ray – Mike Derucki

The Jerky Boys, album 4

Title: Hello Ray

Characters: Mike Derucki

Summary:

The skit portrays a comical conversation between Ray and Mike Derucki, primarily centered around a series of phone calls fraught with technical glitches and misunderstandings. The conversation continually gets disrupted by static noises, making communication challenging. Mike Derucki, seemingly frustrated with the phone issues, engages in a conversation that oscillates between inquiries about phone problems, asking for help with setting up phones, and occasionally veers into bizarre and humorous tangents.

Ray, on the other end, responds intermittently, sometimes with short affirmations and at other times with laughter. The exchanges between them often result in comedic misinterpretations and quirky remarks. Mike Derucki’s attempts at conversation alternate between seeking assistance, expressing frustration, and attempting to engage Ray in banter, with the dialogue taking unexpected and humorous turns.

The skit’s humor arises from the persistent communication glitches, the oddities of Mike Derucki’s remarks, and Ray’s varying responses to the peculiar conversation. The escalating absurdity of the dialogue, from discussing phone line issues to strange comments about birds and unconventional interactions, adds to the comedic nature of the skit. Ultimately, the conversation remains a blend of confusion, frustration, and unexpected humor throughout the series of phone calls.

Transcript:

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