Spider Monkey – Jack Tors

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Spider Monkey

Characters: Jack Tors




0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:03 Voice 2: “Hello.”

0:04 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:04 Voice 2: ‘Hi. I understand you want a monkey?”

0:06 Voice 1: “Yes, I am looking for one.”

0:08 Voice 2: “That’s funny because I have one.”

0:10 Voice 1: “OK. What kind do you have?”

0:11 Voice 2: “I have a small little spider monkey.”

0:14 Voice 1: “Small little spider monkey.”

0:15 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

0:16 Voice 1: “That means it’s a young spider monkey, I guess, because it’s small.”

0:19 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, spider monkeys usually aren’t that big.”

0:22 Voice 1: “Really?”

0:23 Voice 2: “Yeah. And this one won’t have a chance to get big anyhow.”

0:26 Voice 1: “Why is that?”

0:27 Voice 2: “He smokes cigarettes and all that nonsense.”

0:30 Voice 1: “I don’t think they were supposed to smoke.”

0:32 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, he’s crazy.”

0:35 Voice 1: “Uh-huh. Maybe the cigarette smoke did that to him.”

0:38 Voice 2: “Well, this little guy is a nut job. I tried to sleep and all that and he hit me in the face with this little bottle I have next to the bed.”

0:46 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

0:47 Voice 2: “He is out of his mind. So I got to get rid of him.”

0:49 Voice 1: “How old is it?”

0:50 Voice 2: “Oh, I’d say about a year, a year and several months. But he is – I used to use him in an act that I did a little night club thing. I used to beat him senseless. And he’s gone crazy, off the wall.”

1:03 Voice 1: “It must have been the beating.”

1:04 Voice 2: “Well, you know, hey, we all suffer now and then.”

1:07 Voice 1: “Yeah. It sounds like he can’t have more now.”

1:09 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, that’s, you know, sometimes breaks can be tough in life. But this little guy, you know, always when I’m sleeping, he manages to get out of his cage. He’s crazy.”

1:20 Voice 1: “So do you want to sell him?”

1:21 Voice 2: “Yeah. I want to get rid of him. He’s lunatic. He’s going to stab me or something.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Then keep sharp things distance away.”

1:28 Voice 2: “Yeah. He’s crazy. Now you want this little freak?”

1:31 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

1:32 Voice 2: “What do you want him for?”

1:33 Voice 1: “I have a bird-breeding facility with some…”

1:35 Voice 2: “Oh. Forgot this guy with birds. He’ll kill every one of them.”

1:39 Voice 1: “No. I have a bunch of spider monkeys.”

1:41 Voice 2: “I think you might have him spayed so he doesn’t kill the birds.”

1:44 Voice 1: “Well, I have two spider monkeys already that are quite tame.”

1:48 Voice 2: “Oh. You don’t beat them?”

1:49 Voice 1: “I have to.”

1:50 Voice 2: “Right. Oh, you know, what I used to do with this guy, I would fire a hot cup of coffee of them because he’s just drivin’ me nuts and he really doesn’t respond even if I hit him with the hot coffee I kick him up the ass and I just – I don’t need this headache.”

2:05 Voice 1: “Uh-huh. What do you want for it?”

2:07 Voice 2: “Oh. I don’t know. Maybe what? Twenty or thirty dollars? I’d rather get rid of him. He’s a fruit cake. Oh. He got loose. Goodbye.”

2:17 Voice 1: “OK.”