Kissel Sails – Kissel

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Kissel Sails

Characters: Kissel, Yacht Broker



In the presented skit, a phone call unfolds between Kissel, a character inquiring about renting a yacht, and two individuals on the other end of the line. Kissel expresses his desire to rent a yacht for himself, his wife, and possibly an “old man.” He reminisces about his past as a sailor during World War II, making suggestive comments and boasting about his experiences with women.

As Kissel negotiates for a cheaper price due to being a veteran, the yacht broker informs him of the cost, which Kissel finds too high. Throughout the conversation, there are interruptions from the two voices on the other end, one expressing dissatisfaction with Kissel’s attitude and the offered yacht.

Despite Kissel’s attempts to haggle and relate his wife’s dissatisfaction with the prices, the broker maintains that the quoted price is the lowest available and identifies the yacht as a 62-foot Hatteras. Eventually, due to Kissel’s persistent language and references, the broker decides to end the call, citing an unwillingness to tolerate the language any longer.

The skit unfolds as a comedic exchange filled with miscommunication, inappropriate remarks, and failed negotiations between Kissel and the yacht broker, leading to an abrupt conclusion with the broker ending the call due to Kissel’s language.


0:01 Phone rings…

0:03 Voice 1: “[Atlantica] Yacht Charters”

0:05 Kissel: “Hello? Hello?”

0:07 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:08 Kissel: “Yeah. I want to know if I could rent one of ’em yachts.”

0:11 Voice 1: “Can you say that again a little slowly?”

0:13 Kissel: “I want to know if I could rent one of ’em yachts.”

0:16 Voice 1: “Sure.”

0:18 Kissel: “What are you so sure about? You got ’em?”

0:20 Voice 1: “Yep.”

0:21 Kissel: “My old lady keeps cryin’ up and down. She wants to go out one of them yachts.”

0:27 Voice 1: “Right.”

0:28 Kissel: “Back in WW II I used to be a seaman. Now I just put it all over my wife’s ass.”

0:35 Voice 1: “Right. That is funny.”

0:37 Kissel: “Yeah. I know. She don’t find it too humorous at this age.”

0:40 Voice 1: “I didn’t think so.”

0:41 Kissel: “So where do I sign up? I want to be one of them sailors. I want to go down to the Caribbean. So what’s the story? How much is it going to cost?”

0:51 Voice 1: “How many people in your party?”

0:53 Kissel: “Me and her and the old man.”

0:56 Voice 1: “The smallest yacht we have charges $950 for three hours.”

1:00 Voice 2: “Fuck him.”

1:02 Kissel: “Now my wife won’t like them prices. You got to do better. I’m a veteran.”

1:06 Voice 1: “We don’t have anything less expensive, sir.”

1:08 Kissel: “I got stories that will raise the hair on your head. We used to go down there to Tahiti, the Philippines, I used to bang broads like they were going out of style back then. Back in the old days, you could bang them for about 10 at a time for a dime. We used to even make songs about it. Ten at a time for a dime. Ten at a time for a dime.”

1:32 Voice 1: “We don’t have anything less expensive. I’m just a broker. I’m not an owner, sir.”

1:36 Voice 2: “It’s a piece of shit.”

1:37 Kissel:”Well, you’re breakin’ me with them prices.”

1:40 Voice 1: “I can’t help that, sir. That’s the lowest, that’s the smallest yacht we have.”

1:43 Kissel: “Don’t you hear my wife cryin’?”

1:45 Voice 2: “Fuckin’ loser.”

1:46 Voice 1: “I’m sorry. No. I didn’t – is that your wife?”

1:49 Kissel: “Who do you think it is? My dog?”

1:51 Voice 1: “I’m sorry. Right.”

1:52 Kissel: “Hey. Don’t even be a funny wise guy. I know where you were going to go next with that.”

1:57 Voice 1: “I’m sorry?”

1:58 Kissel: “Yeah. Because my wife she don’t like them prices.”

2:02 Voice 1: “That’s the least expensive yacht I have, sir.”

2:05 Kissel: “Well, what kind of boat is it?”

2:07 Voice 1: “It’s a 62-foot Hatteras.”

2:09 Voice 2: “He’s full of fuckin’ shit.”

2:11 Kissel: “I know what she wants. She likes that movie, Mutiny on the Bounty.”

2:15 Voice 1: “Yeah. Well, I’m not going to put up with the language anymore. So goodbye, sir.”