Kissel Sails – Kissel

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Kissel Sails

Characters: Kissel, Yacht Broker



0:01 Phone rings…

0:03 Voice 1: “[Atlantica] Yacht Charters”

0:05 Kissel: “Hello? Hello?”

0:07 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:08 Kissel: “Yeah. I want to know if I could rent one of ’em yachts.”

0:11 Voice 1: “Can you say that again a little slowly?”

0:13 Kissel: “I want to know if I could rent one of ’em yachts.”

0:16 Voice 1: “Sure.”

0:18 Kissel: “What are you so sure about? You got ’em?”

0:20 Voice 1: “Yep.”

0:21 Kissel: “My old lady keeps cryin’ up and down. She wants to go out one of them yachts.”

0:27 Voice 1: “Right.”

0:28 Kissel: “Back in WW II I used to be a seaman. Now I just put it all over my wife’s ass.”

0:35 Voice 1: “Right. That is funny.”

0:37 Kissel: “Yeah. I know. She don’t find it too humorous at this age.”

0:40 Voice 1: “I didn’t think so.”

0:41 Kissel: “So where do I sign up? I want to be one of them sailors. I want to go down to the Caribbean. So what’s the story? How much is it going to cost?”

0:51 Voice 1: “How many people in your party?”

0:53 Kissel: “Me and her and the old man.”

0:56 Voice 1: “The smallest yacht we have charges $950 for three hours.”

1:00 Voice 2: “Fuck him.”

1:02 Kissel: “Now my wife won’t like them prices. You got to do better. I’m a veteran.”

1:06 Voice 1: “We don’t have anything less expensive, sir.”

1:08 Kissel: “I got stories that will raise the hair on your head. We used to go down there to Tahiti, the Philippines, I used to bang broads like they were going out of style back then. Back in the old days, you could bang them for about 10 at a time for a dime. We used to even make songs about it. Ten at a time for a dime. Ten at a time for a dime.”

1:32 Voice 1: “We don’t have anything less expensive. I’m just a broker. I’m not an owner, sir.”

1:36 Voice 2: “It’s a piece of shit.”

1:37 Kissel:”Well, you’re breakin’ me with them prices.”

1:40 Voice 1: “I can’t help that, sir. That’s the lowest, that’s the smallest yacht we have.”

1:43 Kissel: “Don’t you hear my wife cryin’?”

1:45 Voice 2: “Fuckin’ loser.”

1:46 Voice 1: “I’m sorry. No. I didn’t – is that your wife?”

1:49 Kissel: “Who do you think it is? My dog?”

1:51 Voice 1: “I’m sorry. Right.”

1:52 Kissel: “Hey. Don’t even be a funny wise guy. I know where you were going to go next with that.”

1:57 Voice 1: “I’m sorry?”

1:58 Kissel: “Yeah. Because my wife she don’t like them prices.”

2:02 Voice 1: “That’s the least expensive yacht I have, sir.”

2:05 Kissel: “Well, what kind of boat is it?”

2:07 Voice 1: “It’s a 62-foot Hatteras.”

2:09 Voice 2: “He’s full of fuckin’ shit.”

2:11 Kissel: “I know what she wants. She likes that movie, Mutiny on the Bounty.”

2:15 Voice 1: “Yeah. Well, I’m not going to put up with the language anymore. So goodbye, sir.”