Dead Pet Removal

The Jerky Boys, album 4

Title: Dead Pet Removal

Characters: Mike Derucki

Summary: Mike Derucki finds himself in an unique predicament involving a dead pigeon.


0:01 Phone rings

0:03 Female Voice: “Yes, please hold.”

0:04 Mike Derucki: “Hello?” *farts*

0:08 Female Voice: “How can I help you?”

0:09 Mike Derucki: “Yeah, hi honey how you doin’? You remove dead pets?”

0:11 Female Voice: “Pardon?”

0:12 Mike Derucki: “Dead pet removal.”

0:14 Female Voice: “Dead pet removal?”

0:15 Mike Derucki: “Yeah.”

0:16 Female Voice: “Is that what you said?”

0:17 Mike Derucki: “Yeah.”

0:18 Female Voice: “No.”

0:19 Mike Derucki: “Well that’s what it says in the paper there… You remove dead pets.”

0:22 Female Voice: “No we don’t. It’s muc**** 5****.”

0:25 Mike Derucki: “What is that? That’s another number?”

0:28 Female Voice: “Yeah. Where… What kinda pet are you talking about?”

0:31 Mike Derucki: “Well ahh actually I… I.. it’s a little embarrassing. I was a sleeping there on a park bench and a pigeon- ah- seems to have flown up into my ass and died.”

0:40 Female Voice: “Ok well you call muc**** 5****.”

0:44 Mike Derucki: “And ah- can they help me get that out?”

0:46 Female Voice: “Well I don’t know how they’ll do it, but we don’t do it.”

0:48 Mike Derucki: “Ah christ honey this thing is killin’ me. I can’t walk around like this. It’s already dead two o’ three weeks in there. You can’t help me? You people?”

0:56 Phone call ends