Food & Drug Complaint – Sol Rosenberg

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Food & Drug Complaint

Characters: Sol Rosenberg, Secretary

Summary:

“Food & Drug Complaint” features Sol Rosenberg turning a simple complaint into a long and hilarious prank call. The conversation begins normally but quickly becomes detailed and confusing. Rambling storytelling drives the humor forward. Sol’s nervous tone defines the experience. The pacing builds slowly toward comedic payoff. Fans enjoy its relatable and realistic style. The call highlights subtle, character-driven humor. A classic example of Jerky Boys storytelling comedy.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Director’s office.”

0:05 Sol Rosenberg: “Hello?”

0:06 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:07 Sol Rosenberg: “Hi. Hi?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:10 Sol Rosenberg: “Yes. I was wondering if you could pull Howard Stern’s show off the air please.”

0:16 Voice 1: “This is the Food and Drug Administration.”

0:18 Sol Rosenberg: “Well, that’s what I always heard that you can control things.”

0:22 Voice 1: “Well not when it comes to radio. We can control food and drugs and cosmetics and blood. But the FDA has nothing to do – you’d have to call…”

0:33 Sol Rosenberg: “Well, Howard he says bad awful things on the airwaves.”

0:37 Voice 1: “Yes, he does.”

0:38 Sol Rosenberg: “And he says them about me and my family and I find it very abusive.”

0:42 Voice 1: “You have to call the radio.”

0:44 Sol Rosenberg: “Sir? Sir? Please help me with this.”

0:47 Voice 1: “I have no control. This is the Food and Drug Administration.”

0:51 Sol Rosenberg: “He said he was goin’ to go fishing with me and he whipped me with the rods. And that he hurt in more awful ways. He stuffed a handful of worms in my face and he made me eat worms. And he beat me so unmerciful with the rod. I had stitches about my face. And I think he should be pulled from the air.”

1:12 Voice 1: “Well, you should call the station.”

1:14 Sol Rosenberg: “I have done that. And we’ve had several outings. And it always winds up in a bad festering argument. And Howard and I rolled down the hill, winding up pullin’ each other’s hair out and slappin’ each other silly. And…”

1:28 Voice 1: “I have no control. This is the Food and Drug Administration.”

1:32 Sol Rosenberg: “Ma’am, you’re not being helpful, ma’am.”

1:34 Voice 1: “We can’t do anything about it. This is…”

1:36 Sol Rosenberg: “Well, it says…”

1:37 Voice 1: “Call the radio station.”

1:38 Sol Rosenberg: “Well, what’s wrong with you? Can’t you help me with this hurtfulness?”

1:42 Voice 1: “Well, this is the Food and Drug Administration. I can’t help you with that.”

1:46 Sol Rosenberg: “But why?”

1:47 Voice 1: “Because he belongs to the radio.”

1:49 Sol Rosenberg: “It’s the same basic principle. What…?”

1:51 Voice 1: “Not at all.”

1:53 Sol Rosenberg: “Why not, ma’am?”

1:54 Voice 1: “Because we handle food and drugs and cosmetics.”

1:57 Sol Rosenberg: “Well, I’m sure you could swing a little bit more there and handle radio as well.”

2:01 Voice 1: “No. Food and Drugs does not do that. OK. They’re not allowed to touch anything about the radio.”

2:07 Sol Rosenberg: “So are you saying this man can get away with anything he basically wants?”

2:09 Voice 1: “No, he shouldn’t.”

2:11 Sol Rosenberg: “He beats Robin and all the other workers over there. And he can just get away with those things?”

2:16 Voice 1: “No.”

2:17 Sol Rosenberg: “He is a bad awful man.”

2:18 Voice 1: “Tell the station.”

2:20 Sol Rosenberg: “You’re being very, very hurtful at me, ma’am.”

2:22 Voice 1: “I can’t do anything, ma’am. You have to call the…”

2:25 Sol Rosenberg: “But you’re hurting my feelings.”

2:27 Voice 1: “I am only a secretary here. I cannot do anything about…”

2:30 Sol Rosenberg: “But you see how evil and vicious you are being towards me.”

2:34 Voice 1: “I can’t do anything about it.”

2:35 Woman cries.