Food & Drug Complaint – Sol Rosenberg

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Food & Drug Complaint

Characters: Sol Rosenberg, Secretary




0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Director’s office.”

0:05 Voice 2: “Hello?”

0:06 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:07 Voice 2: “Hi. Hi?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:10 Voice 2: “Yes. I was wondering if you could pull Howard Stern’s show off the air please.”

0:16 Voice 1: “This is the Food and Drug Administration.”

0:18 Voice 2: “Well, that’s what I always heard that you can control things.”

0:22 Voice 1: “Well not when it comes to radio. We can control food and drugs and cosmetics and blood. But the FDA has nothing to do – you’d have to call…”

0:33 Voice 2: “Well, Howard he says bad awful things on the airwaves.”

0:37 Voice 1: “Yes, he does.”

0:38 Voice 2: “And he says them about me and my family and I find it very abusive.”

0:42 Voice 1: “You have to call the radio.”

0:44 Voice 2: “Sir? Sir? Please help me with this.”

0:47 Voice 1: “I have no control. This is the Food and Drug Administration.”

0:51 Voice 2: “He said he was goin’ to go fishing with me and he whipped me with the rods. And that he hurt in more awful ways. He stuffed a handful of worms in my face and he made me eat worms. And he beat me so unmerciful with the rod. I had stitches about my face. And I think he should be pulled from the air.”

1:12 Voice 1: “Well, you should call the station.”

1:14 Voice 2: “I have done that. And we’ve had several outings. And it always winds up in a bad festering argument. And Howard and I rolled down the hill, winding up pullin’ each other’s hair out and slappin’ each other silly. And…”

1:28 Voice 1: “I have no control. This is the Food and Drug Administration.”

1:32 Voice 2: “Ma’am, you’re not being helpful, ma’am.”

1:34 Voice 1: “We can’t do anything about it. This is…”

1:36 Voice 2: “Well, it says…”

1:37 Voice 1: “Call the radio station.”

1:38 Voice 2: “Well, what’s wrong with you? Can’t you help me with this hurtfulness?”

1:42 Voice 1: “Well, this is the Food and Drug Administration. I can’t help you with that.”

1:46 Voice 2: “But why?”

1:47 Voice 1: “Because he belongs to the radio.”

1:49 Voice 2: “It’s the same basic principle. What…?”

1:51 Voice 1: “Not at all.”

1:53 Voice 2: “Why not, ma’am?”

1:54 Voice 1: “Because we handle food and drugs and cosmetics.”

1:57 Voice 2: “Well, I’m sure you could swing a little bit more there and handle radio as well.”

2:01 Voice 1: “No. Food and Drugs does not do that. OK. They’re not allowed to touch anything about the radio.”

2:07 Voice 2: “So are you saying this man can get away with anything he basically wants?”

2:09 Voice 1: “No, he shouldn’t.”

2:11 Voice 2: “He beats Robin and all the other workers over there. And he can just get away with those things?”

2:16 Voice 1: “No.”

2:17 Voice 2: “He is a bad awful man.”

2:18 Voice 1: “Tell the station.”

2:20 Voice 2: “You’re being very, very hurtful at me, ma’am.”

2:22 Voice 1: “I can’t do anything, ma’am. You have to call the…”

2:25 Voice 2: “But you’re hurting my feelings.”

2:27 Voice 1: “I am only a secretary here. I cannot do anything about…”

2:30 Voice 2: “But you see how evil and vicious you are being towards me.”

2:34 Voice 1: “I can’t do anything about it.”

2:35 Woman cries.