Trains – Russell and Sandy

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Trains

Characters: Russell, Sandy

Summary:

Russell has a pile of trains his old man gave him. He never used them. He wants Sandy to buy them so he can spend the money on fast women. His name on the call is Russell. A line drive hit him in the crotch once, while he was looking at a girl.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Russell: “This is funny shit.”

0:05 Sandy: “Hello?”

0:06 Russell: “What’s up there, chief?”

0:08 Sandy: “What’s up there, chief?”

0:09 Russell: “Yeah. How you doin’? I got tons of trains over here.”

0:12 Sandy: “Well, bring ’em in.”

0:13 Russell: “Where are you?”

0:14 Sandy: “You know where Grand Avenue is. [Beep].

0:16 Russell: “Hey. Whoa. Whoa. I got all these trains. I can’t carry ’em. See, my old man gave them to me when I was a weird little tyke. I never used trains. I don’t like trains. I like cars, fast cars, and fast women.”

0:30 Man laughs.

0:31 Russell: “So why don’t you buy all these trains off me so I could spend the money on fast women?”

0:35 Sandy: “I need your address.”

0:36 Russell: “All right. 78th [beep]”

0:39 Sandy: “78th [beep]”.

0:41 Russell: “78th [beep] Metropolitan. That’s right. On Metropolitan.”

0:46 Sandy: “Is it a private house?”

0:48 Russell: “Yeah. It’s a house. It’s right next to that Old Mike Deli. Hey. Bring some Vaseline, too.”

0:53 Sandy: “For what?”

0:54 Russell: “Don’t you need that for the trains?”

1:00 Sandy: “Well, I just want to look at them. I mean, I want to see [Inaudible 00:01:02].”

1:03 Russell: “Well, I got that tunnel there, too.”

1:06 Sandy: “Is it a metal tunnel or a paper tunnel?”

1:08 Russell: “No, it’s flesh.”

1:12 Sandy: “Right. [Inaudible 00:01:12] 78th Street.”

1:15 Russell: “That’s right, bucktooth. When are you coming over?”

1:21 Sandy: “Be over there in about 20 minutes.”

1:23 Russell: “All right. So bring some cash, all right?”

1:26 Sandy: “What’s your name?”

1:27 Russell: “My name is Russell. What’s yours?”

1:28 [Beep]

1:29 Russell: “What?”

1:30 [Beep]

1:31 Russell: “Sandy like Sandy Koufax?”

1:32 Sandy: “No. No.”

1:33 Russell: “He had some good years. Remember that back in…”

1:35 Sandy: “Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a good game.”

1:36 Russell: “You’re into playing baseball?”

1:38 Sandy: “Oh. Hell yeah.”

1:39 Russell: “You were into that shit?”

1:40 Sandy: “Yeah.”

1:41 Russell: “What are you? A pitcher?”

1:43 Sandy: “No. No.”

1:45 Russell: “What do you do?”

1:46 Sandy: “I sit in the outfield.”

1:47 Russell: “You’re an outfielder?”

1:48 Sandy: “I was. [Inaudible 00:01:49].”

1:50 Russell: “I played outfield one time, I was lookin’ at a fuckin’ chick walkin’ by, the guy hittin’ a line drive hit my fuckin’ cocks. I couldn’t even take a piss for a couple of days. And you are here talkin’ about Sandy Koufax. So what made you get into these trains, man? You’re kind of old to be racin’ around on a train there. Well, what do you say about that?”

2:10 Sandy: “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

2:12 Russell: “What is it? I mean, what do you do with them? What? Do you sell ’em? Buy ’em? Sell ’em?”

2:16 Sandy: “I like to play with them.”

2:17 Russell: “You play with trains? You’d be better off with fuckin’ [cars].”

2:21 Sandy laughing. Sandy: “I do like those [cars].”

2:26 Russell: “I like fast everything, fast women, booze. I even like fast food. Do you ever eat Chinese food?”

2:33 Sandy: “Do I – I have eaten?”

2:34 Russell: “Hey, isn’t that shit good?”

2:35 Sandy: “Yeah.”

2:36 Russell: “That fuckin’ lo mein, chow mein, all that shit.”

2:39 Man laughs.

2:42 Russell: “Hey, listen. When you drive your train to the tunnel, you get like a sensation? I hear guys that play with trains really like gettin’ – takin’ up the old fuckin’ highway there. Is that true?”

2:52 Sandy: “I don’t know. Did you ever try that?”

2:54 Russell: “You know I was in the joint one time. That shit hurt.”

2:58 Man laughs.

3:00 Russell: “Yeah. You got big tits like me?”

3:03 Sandy: “I don’t know.”

3:04 Russell: “I got those big fuckin’ sausage shit things there. So listen, what are you wastin’ my time for? Are you comin’ over or not?”

3:12 Sandy: “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

3:13 Russell: “You’ll be there, huh? Hey, you got any baseball cards?”

3:15 Sandy: “No. No. No.”

3:17 Russell: “I got some Sandy Koufax there. Hey, when you were a kid, were they calling you Sandy Koufax, makin’ fun of you?”

3:23 Sandy: “No. Not like that. No. No. No.”

3:25 Russell: “Are you sure about that?”

3:26 Sandy: “Positive.”

3:28 Russell: “All right. So get over here. We could play with trains, play with each other’s cocks.”

3:32 Sandy: “I don’t think about that [Inaudible 00:03:33].”

3:34 Russell: “All right there? All right. So hurry the fuck up. I don’t have all day. I got to drive a truck later on.”

3:40 Sandy: “See you in the front now.”

3:42 Russell: “All right. I’ll be outside. All right.”

3:44 Sandy: “Right.”

3:45 Russell: “All right. But wait a minute. Whoa. Whoa. Are you going to bring cash or a check?”

3:49 Sandy: “Is that what you’re worried about? What the hell are you worried about that for?”

3:53 Russell: “I don’t know. You could slip me a bum check. I got a kid with me, too. You bring a kid, too. The kids can play while we look at the trains. How do you say that?”

4:03 Sandy: “Forget that.”

4:04 Russell: “Yeah. All right. Well, look, man. All right. Hurry up and come over. All right?”

4:08 Sandy: “All right. Bye-bye.”

4:09 Russell: “All right there, Sandy.”

4:11 Sandy: “Bye-bye.”

4:12 Russell: “Bye.”

 

Trains – Russell and Sandy

Russell is the one with the trains. Sandy likes to play with them. Russell asks if Sandy means Sandy Koufax, then tells the line-drive story. He also wants Vaseline, for the tunnel.

Related reading: I'm A Diva – Jack Tors; Dead Pet Removal; Cold Feet – Frank Rizzo.