Hello, Ray – Mike Derucki

The Jerky Boys, album 4

Title: Hello Ray

Characters: Mike Derucki

Summary: Mike Derucki has an in-depth chat with Ray, a talkative phone man.


0:01 Phone rings

0:04 Ray: “Ray ***”

0:05 Mike Derucki: “Hello?”

0:06 Ray: “Yes?”

0:07 Mike Derucki: “Hello, Ray?”

0:08 Ray: “Yes.”

0:09 Mike Derucki: “Hi, how ya doin?”

0:10 *static sounds*

0:10 Mike Derucki2: “Ray?”

0:11 Ray: “Yes?”

0:12 Mike Derucki: “What’s a matter? Got a problem with the phone line, yah hear that?”

0:15 Ray: “Hello?”

0:16 Mike Derucki: “Hello, Ray?”

0:17 Ray: “Yeah?”

0:18 Mike Derucki: “What’s goin on with phone? I thought you’re supposed to be pretty good with those goddamn phones.”

0:22 Ray: “And who’s this?”

0:23 Mike Derucki: “Well don’t you hear that damn scratching on the line?… Hello?”

0:28 Ray: “Hello.”

0:29 Mike Derucki: “Hi Ray. Hello?”

0:30 Ray: “Mm yeah?”

0:31 Mike Derucki: “Ray, can you hear me?”

0:33 Ray: “Yeah.”

0:34 Mike Derucki: “Ten-four over and out. Can you hear me? Ray.”

0:37 Ray: “Yeah?”

0:38 Mike Derucki: “How yah doin buddy?”

0:39 Ray: “Good.”

0:40 Mike Derucki: “Yeah I need you to hook up a couple of phones for me.”

0:42 Ray: “Mhm.”

0:44 Mike Derucki: “On the arm yah know? Over by my house. Ray?!”

0:49 Ray: “Yeah?”

0:50 Mike Derucki: “Whatta doin’? You’re scratchin up the phone lines.”

0:53 Ray: “I’m just listening.”

0:54 Mike Derucki: “How yah doin?”

0:56 Ray: “Good.”

0:57 Mike Derucki: “You hookup any new lines over there?

0:59 Ray: “Oh yeah”

1:00 Mike Derucki: “Yeah Maya said you fucked up her phones or some shit. Yah know? Hello, Ray?”

1:06 Ray: “Yeah?”

1:07 Mike Derucki: “Hello.”

1:08 Ray: “Mhm.”

1:09 Mike Derucki: “Boy you’re a talkative fuck, ain’t yah?”

1:11 Ray: “Yeah you’re doing fine by yourself.”

1:13 Mike Derucki: “Hey shut your goddamn mouth, I don’t think you’re funny. That ain’t nice talkin to me like that. You’re better off playing with the fucking phones, than with playing with me… Hey you ever shine your nuts with a telephone? Ray?”

1:31 Ray: *Laughter*

1:32 Mike Derucki: “Hello, Ray?”

1:34 Ray: “Mhm I’m here.”

1:35 Mike Derucki: “Hi sir. You’re a gentleman Ray? You know that? The more I speak to yah, the more I like yah. You’re a good guy… Hello? Who the hell is this? Put on Ray.”

1:46 Ray: *laughter*

1:47 Mike Derucki: “Speaking of Ray. Hey, I’ll rub a hot tamale in your fucking mouth you wise guy. Hello?”

1:53 Ray: “Yeah.”

1:54 Mike Derucki: “Hi. Hi there, hello Mike. Hi there pal.”

1:59 Ray: “Hello.”

2:01 Mike Derucki: “Hello. Hi. Hello. Hello is Ray there please?”
2:05 Ray: “It’s me.”

2:06 Mike Derucki: “Hello, hi Ray.”

2:07 Ray: “Hi.”

2:08 Mike Derucki: “How yah doin?”

2:09 Ray: “Good.”

2:10 Mike Derucki: “Hey what the fu- What is that a wise crack? What are you funny or something? Making fun of me. What do I seem like a destitute poor, guy or something? Street dweller? Guttersnipe?… What? Hello? Ray?”

2:25 Ray: “Yeah?”

2:26 Mike Derucki: “You know I got a fucking parrot, a bird. Fucking bird he says hello all the time to me. More than you’re doing. Fuckin bird goes ‘hi there sir, how are yah? Had a good day? Wanna fuck me in the ass a little?’”

2:37 Ray: *laughter*

2:38 Mike Derucki: “That’s what my bird says, I don’t know where he picks up that bad mouth.”

2:40 Ray: “Who knows?”

2:42 Mike Derucki: “Hey you gotta smart mouth on you Ray. I’m saying nice things and you come off saying ‘shut up you fuck’ to me. Hello? Yeah I’m looking for Ray ****, please.”

2:51 Ray: “That would be me.”

2:52 Mike Derucki: “Hi. Hello.”

2:53 Ray: “Hi.”

2:54 Mike Derucki: “Bye. So long Ray, bye bye… Hello? Ray? Hello Ray?”