Security Service

The Jerky Boys, album 2

Title: Security Service

Characters: Jack Tors



0:01 Phone rings.

0:02 Man picks up the phone and says, “Good afternoon!”

0:03 Jack: “Hello!”

0:04 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:05 Jack: “Hi, is this Security Service?”

0:06    Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:07 Jack: “Yes, I need some security.”

0:08     Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:09 Jack: “Yes, I’m very insecure.”

0: 11    Voice 1: “I’ll be happy to help you, sir.”

0:12 Jack: “Right.”

0:13 Voice 1: “At what location would you want service?”

0:16 Jack: “Well, it’s me personally. I’m just a very insecure person and I need a little help if you could.”

0:20 Voice 1: “Okay, I’ll be happy to help you.”

0:22 Jack: “Sure!”

0:23 Voice 1:  “May I have your name?”

0:24 Jack:  “My name is Jack Tors.

0:26 Voice 1: “How do you spell the last name?”

0:27 Jack: “Tor…”

0:29 Voice 1: “Aha”

0:30 Jack: “…s”

0:31 Voice 1: “And you want a bodyguard to go with you?”

0:34 Jack: “Oh, no, no, no, I’m just… you know, mentally insecure.”

0:37 Voice 1:  “Yeah.”

0:38    Jack: “And I could just you know could use a talkin’ to or a little beatin’ here and there.”

0:42 Voice 1: “You need a what?”

0:43    Jack: “A whippin’ or talking to.”

0:44 Voice 1: “Aha.”

0:45 Jack: “You know just to keep me in line.”

0:47     Voice 1: “Aha.”

0:48    Jack: “That type of thing.

0:50 Voice 1: “Aha.”

0:51 Jack: “Because I’m a very insecure person.”

0:53 Voice 1: “How old are you?”

0:54 Jack: “I’m 27.”

0:57    Voice 1: “Aha… Okay.”

0:58 Jack: “Alright? You know, sometimes I get aligned with myself and… Really, I’m very insecure.”

01:05 Voice1:  “Aha.”

01:06 Jack: “One time you know I just punched the holes of myself.”

01:10 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

01:11 Jack: “I just… I need a friend is what I am basically trying to say. I’m very insecure, you know?”

01:17 Voice1:  “Hmm. Okay. But, what would you want me to do for you?”

01:22 Jack: “Oh… I don’t know. We could probably just talk and you could keep me in line with a good kick to the nuts or up in the ass once in a while.”

01:29   Voice1:  “Hmm”

01:31 Jack: “I could give you a number.”

01:32 Voice 1: “Okay.”

01:33   Jack: “Okay. 3 2… I just really appreciate it.”

01:38 Voice1: “And what’s your address?”

01:40   Jack: “It’s out in Metropolitan. You know Queens…See, I’m even afraid to go out of the house now and again. I ripped the hair out of my freakin’ head. I’m just so…so insecure.”

01:54 Voice 1:“Well, have you thought about hypnosis that might help you?

01:58   Jack: “Oh, yeah, I tried that once or twice and it’s not… You know, I have a problem with that thing. I come out of the office and… I don’t know. I got a big red shank around me which tells me that something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. When I was [Inaudible 02:11] he must have been touching me or doing something wrong.”

02:15   Voice 1: “I don’t know.”

02:16   Jack: “Yeah, yeah.”

02:18 Voice 1:“So, you are 27 years old.”

02:19 Jack: “Right.”

02:20 Voice 1: “And what kind of work do you do?”

02:21 Jack: “Well, I was in construction and then I was very insecure about that.”

02:25 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

02:26 Jack: “Because I had fallen once or twice.”

02:29 Voice1:  “And what do you do now?”

02:30 Jack: “Well, right now, I was going to be a bar tender but with the women and all, I’m very insecure with that.

02:35 Voice1: “Yeah.”

02:36 Jack: “Yeah, so what I do now… I’ve been off now a couple of months and I just… you know, I get very angry with myself in the house and I throw myself a beating once in a while.

02:46 Voice1: “So, what do you want me to do for you?”

02:49 Jack: “Well, you see it’s hard on myself because I really hurt my hands and once in a while I could use maybe…you just throw a real good, fuckin’ beating on me.

02:58   Voice1: “Well, I need you to come to the office for that kind of therapy.”

03:03 Jack: “Alright, okay. Well, I’ll do that.”

03:05 Voice1: “And I would have to charge you like a 100 bucks.”

03:07 Jack: “Okay, but do you have my number?”  

03:09 Voice1: “Yes”

03:10   Jack: “Okay. That’s it.”

03:11   Voice1: “You want to come in?”

03:13 Jack: “Sure. Can you give me a call back?”

03:15   Voice1: “Sure.”

03:16 Jack: “Okay. I’ve got to run now. I’ve to take care of some groceries and things like that.”

03:21   Voice1: “You want to come in tomorrow at three in the afternoon. I call you back tomorrow to confirm in the morning.”

03:26   Jack: “Right. And this way…This will really help me a lot because this way you or somebody else could kick me up the ass or shoo in the nuts and I wouldn’t have to worry about this by myself because I’m really… It’s driving me crazy.”

03:38   Voice 1: “Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow morning and I’ll remind you. It’s a100 bucks and we’ll schedule you for 3 o’clock tomorrow afternoon. Okay?”

03:45 Jack: “Great, thank you!

03:46 Voice 1: “Okay.”

03:47   Jack: “Bye bye”

03:48 Voice 1: “Bye bye.”