Roofing

The Jerky Boys, album 2

Title: Roofing

Characters:  Frank Rizzo

Summary: The skit features Frank Rizzo, frustrated with roof leaks after hiring inexperienced workers. He calls a roofer, recounting how the previous workers, whom he describes as “Mexicans,” failed miserably. He expresses annoyance, claiming to have fired them and even kicked his wife off the roof. He desperately seeks a solution, describing the leaks as buckets on his head and kids playing on the roof. Despite the roofer’s attempts to gather information, Frank continues with exaggerated stories of chaos, like the workers hitting each other with hot mops and crashing through windows. Ultimately, he arranges for the roofer to assess the problem, insisting that the roofer fire him off the roof if he gets in the way. The conversation is a comedic portrayal of a man’s exasperation with a problematic roof situation, peppered with exaggerated and absurd events.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:05 Voice 1: “Yeah. Hello?“

0:06 Frank Rizzo: “Hello.“

0:07 Voice 1: “Hello.“

0:07 Frank Rizzo: “Roofing?“

0:08 Voice 1: “Yeah.“

0:09 Frank Rizzo: “How you doin’?“

0:09 Voice 1: “Good. How are you?“

0:10 Frank Rizzo: “All right. Look. I got a little problem here. I got some leaks up in the roof there.“

0:13 Voice 1: “Yeah.“

0:14 Frank Rizzo: “I had some guys here yesterday, some Mexicans, little Mexicans there, up there whacking away at roof, tellin’ me this and that and the other thing. Next thing you know it rains, I got the rain coming right down inside. I went up there, you know, they’re trying to show me this and that. I fired the two of the fuckers off on their fuckin’ head. They don’t know what the fuck they are doing up there. My wife is up there pokin’ around. She is making like she knows what the fuck is up. I fired her down into the fuckin’ car.“

0:34 Man laughing.

0:35 Frank Rizzo: “Now, what I need here, buddy, is I need this fuckin’ thing done right. Tell me what you can do for me.“

0:39 Man laughing. Voice 1: “Are you kiddin’ me?“

0:42 Frank Rizzo: “No, I am not fuckin’ puttin’ you on, man. This is aggravating me now.“

0:45 Man laughs.

0:46 Frank Rizzo: “This shit is going on – my wife she is up there pokin’ around like she knows what the fuck she is doin’. I kicked her right in the fuckin’ ass. Throw her down into the fuckin’ car.”

0:53 Man laughs.

0:54 Frank Rizzo: “Show me what you can do now. I really need this. It’s along the side of the fuckin’ house. The water is comin’ in like a sift.“

0:58 Man laughs.

1:01 Frank Rizzo: “Hey. This is a fuckin’ joke, huh? Come on, buddy. Help me out here.“

1:05 Voice 1: “What’s your name?“

1:06 Frank Rizzo: “Frank Rizzo.“

1:08 Voice 1: “Spell it.“

1:09 Frank Rizzo: “All right. R-I-Z-Z-O.“

1:10 Voice 1: “R-I-Z-Z-O.“

1:13 Frank Rizzo: “Yeah. This problem, this has been goin’ on for years now. You know what I’m sayin’?“

1:16Voice 1: “Yeah.“

1:17 Frank Rizzo: “The rain just comes in. It’s like buckets in my fuckin’ head. It’s getting out of line now. I got the fuckin’ kids up there playin’ in the fuckin’ roof. It’s just bullshit.“

1:26 Voice 1: “Give me your address.“

1:28 Frank Rizzo: “It’s 503 5th Street.“

1:30 Voice 1: “503 5th Street.“

1:33 Frank Rizzo: “All right. Listen.“

1:34 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.“

1:35Frank Rizzo: “What do you do? You go up there with the kettles, the pots, the fuckin’ hot shit? What do you do? Talk to me.“

1:41 Voice 1: ‘Well, I have to come and see what…“

1:43 Frank Rizzo:  “All right. Coz you know what happens here, I got a lot of fuckin’ problems. These little Mexican fuckers, they were up there with the hot shit…“

1:48 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.“

1:49 Frank Rizzo: “…and they’re a fuckin’ joke. They were up there slappin’ each other with the hot mops. I don’t need this kind of shit. All right.“

1:54 Voice 1: “Yeah.“

1:55Frank Rizzo: “So I had to go up there. I threw the two fuckers right down in the yard. Split their fuckin’ heads out of here.“

1:59Voice 1: “But who’d you hire to do that?“

2:01 Frank Rizzo: ‘I don’t know the name of the fuckers. I thought I was going to get a little break on the price. The little bastards were up on the roof running around like fuckin’ retards.“

2:06Voice 1: “Huh. Well…“

2:08Frank Rizzo: “One of them come through the fuckin’ window. He thinks he is cute. He is playin’ his little game. He fired his friend through the fuckin’ window. He landed down the living room.“

2:14Man laughs.

2:15Frank Rizzo: “I can’t have this shit.“

2:16Voice 1: “Jiminy Crickets.“

2:18Frank Rizzo: “All right, bud. You help me out there.“

2:20Voice 1: “OK.“

2:21Frank Rizzo: “All right. I want you to come over. You look at the fuckin’ roof. You get your hands right in there and get your hands fuckin’ dirty and you see what the problem is.“

2:27Voice 1: “Ah.“

2:28Frank Rizzo: “All right. We’ll see if we can fix this shit up.“

2:31Voice 1: “Huh.“

2:32Frank Rizzo: “OK.“

2:32Voice 1: “OK. I’ll give you a call.“

2:34Frank Rizzo: “All right. If I get in your way, anything like that, you fire me down into the fuckin’ yard, OK?“

2:38Voice 1: “OK.“

2:39Frank Rizzo: “All right.“

2:40Voice 1: “Bye.“