Cremation Services

The Jerky Boys, album 2

Title: Cremation Services




0:00 Phone rings..

0:04 Voice 1: “Can I help?”

0:05 Voice 2: “Hi.  How’re you doing chief?”  Listen, you guys are cremation services, huh?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Uh… yes.”

0:11 Voice 2: “Yeah, I was wondering… I got my mother here.  She’s really old and she’s sickly.  If we could kinda speed up the process here, if you could help me out, you know, get this outta the way now little quicker.”

0:22 Voice 1: “Okay.  You need to talk our funeral director.”

0:25 Voice 2: “But I’m talkin’ to you now.  How about we just see what we can do here.  You tell me where I can go with this.”

0:29 Voice 1: “Okay.  If you call the chapel…”

0:31 Voice 2: “Okay, listen.  What it is is my mother, she’s old, you know, she‘s always runnin’ around the house, you know, firin’ glasses and pots and things, hittin’ me off the fuckin’ ass with ’em and what I want to do is if we can speed up the process, see how [Inaudible 00:42] whack her out or some shit like this and you guys, you know, see if we can fuckin’, you know, have you guys melt that down or whatever the fuck it is that you do.”

0:50 Voice 1: “No, we can’t do that, but…”

0:52 Voice 2: “You can’t help me out there?”

0:53 Voice 1: “No.”

0:54 Voice 2: “Alright.  Look, I got a, you know, my… the old fuckin’ man here… there’s a few of them [Inaudible 00:59], can you guys cut me a… a better deal on a… get a fuckin’ group rate or somethin’ like that… we’ll fuckin’ get a few of them in there at once and burn them up.”

1:06 Voice 1: “Uh…”

1.07 Voice 2: “They’re driving me fuckin’ nuts over here chief.  I gotta get rid of these fruitcakes.”

1:11 Voice 1: “Well…it’s… you can’t just do that.  You have to… you need to make pre-arrangements to…”

1:16 Voice 2: “Well, I was friggin’ you people could help me out, you know.  We come in one night, we whack ‘em out.  We’d tr… we… I’m sure you got a backdoor, so we take ‘em in there.  We fuckin’ get the… we just do the shit, get out of the way, you know.  Nobody’s gotta know the better.  I take care of you with the fuckin’ dough.  There’s no problem there.  We’re good like that.”

1:31 Voice 1: “Nope.  Can’t do that.”

1:33 Voice 2: “Ahh, shit!  Alright, lemme see what I can do.  I’ll call somewhere else; see if somebody else could fuckin’ fry these bastards for me, alright?”

1:40 Voice 1: “Okay.”

1:40 Voice 2: “Alright, see you later.”