The Mattress King

The Jerky Boys, album 2

Title: The Mattress King

Characters: Jack Tors

Summary: 

Jack Tors needs a new bed. His lover fell asleep with a cigarette and burned through the mattress, the box spring, and Jack. He wants to come in and roll around on the next one to test the weight. The salesman says his name is Jay.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Jay picks up the phone and says, “Hello.”

0:03 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:04 Jay: “Yes.”

0:05 Voice 1: “Yes. Do you have box springs?”

0:06 Jay: “Yes, we do.”

0:07 Voice 1: “And upper mattresses?”

0:08 Jay: “Yes”

0:09 Voice 1: “Okay, because I need a new one. What happened was, my lover fell asleep last night with cigarettes in the bed and burnt up all my ass and legs, right to the springs.

0:17 Jay: “Yes.”

0:18 Voice 1: “I need a whole new set up if you could.”

0: 20 Jay: “Okay. You need a mattress in a box foundation.”

0:22 Voice 1: “Yes, yes. We went right through the fucking bed. He burnt up the whole damn fucking…almost the house!”

0:27 Jay: “Yeah.”

0:28 Voice 1: “And my legs were all burnt and my ass and my back and neck and… oh god, you know.  How soon can I come in and buy this?”

0:36 Jay: “You can come. We’re open. I mean, we have it in stock. We can deliver it to you.”

0:39 Voice 1: “How can we test them out? You know, do you roll around, like a couple of us in the back room or something, testing them out?

0:45 Jay: “We get mattresses on the floor. You can lie down on them.”

0:48 Voice 1: “Okay. Umm…if I come in, what’s your name?

0:51 Jay: “My name is Jay.”

0:52 Voice 1: “Jay, is there any way to like just test the weight? That we can roll around or something, jump up and down, just to see if this thing holds up because we really rock the house.”

1:04 Jay: “I mean… we have mattresses. People lie down on them to try them.”

1:08 Voice 1: “Right. Alright, Jay. You know, we got… funny…we’re always crazy with the dogs and we’re always playing around the house doing…

1:14 Jay:  “Oh, you can’t come in with dogs and jump around on the mattresses.”

1:17 Voice 1: “Oh, but I would like to test it. I’m going to buy it. The same way I do it at home. It will be no different.”

1:23 Jay: “You can come down and you can come down and lay down on the mattress.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Oh oh!”

1:26 Jay: “You can roll around on it but you can’t bring your dog.”

1:29 Voice 1: “Ooh, okay, so what we’ll do is…I’ll come down. We’ll get a bunch of guys from the store and we’ll just come down and really test it, fuck around, okay?

1:37 Jay: “Well, there’s a limit. I mean it’s not in private.

1:40 Voice 1: “Well, I know there’s a limit. I’m not looking to go the whole… the sexual route. But, we can just see. I just want to see how much weight I can put on this fucker. Okay, Jay?”

1:48 Jay: “Okay.”

1:49 Voice 1:  “Thank you. I’ll see you.”

1:50 Jay: “Okay.”

1:51 Voice 1:  “Okay. Ooh.”