Safety Gates

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Safety Gates

Characters: Frank Rizzo



0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:03 Voice 2: “Hello.”

0:04 Voice 1: “Yeah. Nobbies’?”

0:04 Voice 2: “This is Nobbies’.”

0:05 Voice 1: “Yeah. I want some balloons. I got a birthday comin’ up, a big party.”

0:08 Voice 2: “Why don’t you let me connect you to the balloon department?”

0:10 Voice 1: “Well, that’s what I’ve been waiting for.”

0:12 Voice 2: “OK. Just one sec.”

0:13 Voice 1: “Hey, is this…”

0:15 Voice 3: ‘Balloons. How may I help you?”

0:17 Voice 1: “Hey, howdy there, Bozo? What do you say?”

0:19 Voice 3: “Oh, not too bad.”

0:20 Voice 1: “Balloon boy. What is this? Nobbies’?”

0:22 Voice 3: “Yes, sir.”

0:23 Voice 1: “Bobby Nobbie, how do you say there, chief? You know, I got a big party comin’ up. I need some balloons.”

0:28 Voice 3: “OK.”

0:29 Voice 1: “What do you got some of ’em helium jugs, right?”

0:30 Voice 3: “Uh-huh.”

0:31 Voice 1: “Now, what do you fill ’em with there? Helium or like butane there? Some kinda gas or somethin’?”

0:36 Voice 3: “No. It’s helium gas.”

0:37 Voice 1: “Yeah. How big do these things come?”

0:39 V: “Eleven-inch. Once they are inflated, they’ll be 11-inch in diameter.”

0:43 Voice 1: “Eleven-inch. I’m lookin’ for some big ones. I got this – I want to do is you know make my kid feel proud. We got a big house here with the high ceilings.”

0:50 Voice 3: “Uh-huh.”

0:51 Voice 1: “You fix me up with a little bit bigger than that. I want to get the balloons under this kid and float him around the joint in there like in the living room and some shit.”

0:58 Voice 3: “Ah, well. Sixteen-inch, we have those. So it’ll be a bit bigger.”

1:02 Voice 1: “Well, that’s what I’m askin’. You know, I mean, this is not unheard of. You got enough balloons to get your kid floatin’ around the house, you know.”

1:07 Voice 3: “OK.”

1:08 Voice 1: “You know, the other kids they are all waitin’ there and I told them to treat him like a piñata once he is up there in the air. Then you whack him with a stick, they’re going to have some fun the kids, you know.”

1:15 Voice 3: Laughs “OK.”

1:17 Voice 1: “Yeah. Well, I gotta – I need balloons here. You’re laughing at me, you crazy bastard.”

1: 21 Voice 3: “Yeah. How many balloons do you need?”

1:23 Voice 1: “Well, how many would it take to hold up a 65-pound punk?”

1:27 Voice 3: “Oh, geez.”

1:28 Voice 1: “What are we talkin’ about? Two hundred balloons?”

1:32 Voice 3: “I don’t know. Yeah. Probably.”

1:34 Voice 1: “My wife she is cryin’ the fuck blues because I’m going to fuck and you know make the kid have a good time. You know, have a – you know get a couple of beers in this little brat”

1:42 Voice 3: “Yeah.”

1:42 Voice 1: “You know. Fly him around the house. I’ll take a whack at the fuck myself.”

1:45 Voice 3:  Man laughs.

1:46 Voice 1: “The kid drives me up the wall nine fuckin’ 24/7, you know.”

1:50 Voice 3: ‘Yeah.”

1:50 Voice 1: “I’m sure you know what I’m talkin’ about, Bob.”

1:52 Voice 3: “Yeah. I’ve been there.”

1:53 Voice 1: “Yeah. Yeah. It’s great. You know what? I just figured I make the kid’s day, you know. Squirt him up while he’s up in the air. Squirt him up with some water, you know. The kids will some high jinks, you know, to try to whack him or throw things at him to get him down, pop the balloons and have some fun.”

2:06 Voice 3: “Yeah. I’d – yeah, probably…”

2:07 Voice 1: “What do you say, Bob?”

2:09 Voice 3: “Yeah. Probably 216-ish will probably…”

2:13 Voice 1: “Float the little bastard around the room, huh?”

2:15 Voice 3: “Keep him going.”

2:15 Voice 1: “Yeah. But now listen I got to make sure I don’t do this outside. I don’t want this kid floatin’ by the door.”

2:20 Voice 3:”Uh-huh.”

2:21 Voice 1: “I mean if this kid takes off, God forbid, he goes out the fuck on the outside there, forget about it. He’s gone. You guys sell any special gates with that like safety gates or some shit?”

2:31 Voice 3: “No, we don’t.”

2:31 Voice 1: “‘Coz that helium gas let’s face it that’s dangerous shit, you know. I mean once in a blue moon there you know you got a guy like you know who want to have fun with his kid like me and then the fuckin’ poor bastard is out the door and up in the air. You know what I’m sayin’?”

2:43 Voice 3: “Yeah.”

2:44 Voice 1: “Float this little bastard up in the living room there. You know, we got a big fuckin’ space, open space. The dogs will be jumpin’ at his fuckin’ feet while he’s floatin’ around the room. Get a little fuckin’ wacky thing goin’.”

2:54 Voice 3: “Yeah.”

2:55 Voice 1: “Yeah. So what are we talkin’ business or what?”

2:57 Voice 3: “Well…”

2:58 Voice 1: “Oh, you know what? You better do ’em, too. Send me over the fuckin’ can of propane. Do you want to do that?”

3:02 Voice 3: “Ah…”

3:03 Voice 1: “The butane, whatever the hell you got there. The butane, propane, whatever the fuck that is your filling – helium, whatever you got.”

3:09 Voice 3: “Yeah?”

3:10 Voice 1: “Yeah. I know the hydrogen they had a fuckin’ problem with that hydrogen shit.”

3:12 Voice 3: “Yeah.”

3:13 Voice 1: “That goes up like a fuckin’ tinder barks.”

3:15 Voice 3: Man laughs.

3:15 Voice 1: “Yeah. Well, it’s great, Bob. Let me talk to the wife and I’ll right back to you. We’ll talk about this fuckin’ silly balloon shit. I’ll get together with her. We’ll fuckin’ square it away and you know we’ll try to make it a surprise with this little fuckin’ punk bastard.”

3:26 Voice 3: “OK.”

3:27 Voice 1: “All right there, Bob.”

3:28 Voice 3: “Uh-huh.”

3:29 Voice 1: “So long there, sailor.”