Lawnmower Sale

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Lawnmower Sale

Characters: Big Ole’ Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler



0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:05 Voice 2: “Hello?”

0:06 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

0:07 Voice 2: “Hello? Hi. Do you have a lawnmower for sale?”

0:13 Voice 1: “A lawnmower?”

0:14 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

0:15 Voice 1: “Who is this?”

0:16 Voice 2: “I…I…’

0:18 Voice 1: “How do you do there, son?”

0:19 Voice 2: “OK.”

0:20 Voice 1: “What do you want now?”

0:22 Voice 2: “Do you have something for sale that you put in the paper?”

0:27 Voice 1: “Yeah. I got a goddamn few things sellin’ that I put in the paper. But what the hell are you lookin’ for specifically?”

0:33 Voice 2: “Oh, the lawnmower, the chainsaw and the log splitter.”

0:39 Voice 1: “The lawnmower, the chainsaw and the log splitter?”

0:42 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

0:43 Voice 1: “If I didn’t know any better, son, I’d say you was a regular jackass. You got to tell me what you want, boy. What are you lookin’ for?”

0:55 Voice 2: “The lawnmower.”

0:56 Voice 1: “The lawnmower. Now what kind you lookin’ for? Something that you ride on or something that you pull or push?”

1:02 Voice 2: “To ride on.”

1:03 Voice 1: “To ride on. You is a lazy bastard, ain’t you? You’re just lookin’ to get out the easy way. Well, I got them pushin’ kinds.”

1:11 Voice 2: “Well, that’s for you.”

1:12 Voice 1: “What do you want? A TV on the goddamn thing, too?”

1:15 Voice 2: “Listen. That’s for you because I am old man. I needed the one with the riding, you know.”

1:20 Voice 1: “You want to ride in one? I see. So you’re just lookin’ to do a little bit of work. What do you got? A little-bitty lawn?”

1:26 Voice 2: “Eh, you know…”

1:27 Voice 1: “Ah. You’re just driving around the fuckin’ tree a little you got to make sure you don’t tip that son of a bitch over and fall into the blades. You know what I mean?”

1:34 Voice 2: “Hello?”

1:35 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

1:36 Voice 2: “How much do you want for the chainsaw?”

1:39 Voice 1: “For the chainsaw, I don’t want that much. You give me $25 and a good smackin’ up and we’re even. How is that?”

1:45 Voice 2: “OK.”

1:46 Voice 1: “All right there. Now what do you want? You said you wanted the fuckin’ lawnmower. Do you want it or no?”

1:50 Voice 2: “And what about the log splitter?”

1:53 Voice 1: “What about the log splitter?”

1:54 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

1:55 Voice 1: “Well, that thing, the lawnmower, that’s expensive. Do you want to know what I paid for that?”

2:02 Voice 2: “Hello?”

2:03 Voice 1: “Do you know what I paid for that?”

2:04 Voice 2: “No.”

2:05 Voice 1: “I paid shit for that motherfucker. Now that’s what I’m tryin’ to tell you. How cheap do you want it?”

2:12 Voice 2: “I don’t know. I will not say price. I just asked you the price.”

2:15 Voice 1: “Go ahead. If you want it cheap, I’ll give it to you cheap because you’re a good man. You’re a friend. Son, what’s up? How much you want that for?”

2:23 Voice 2: “Nine hundred dollars.”

2:24 Voice 1: “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give it to you for four and I’d also give you two slaps across your fuckin’ mouth because I like you. How is that? You got it for 400 bucks.”

2:34 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

2:35 Voice 1: “You crazy – I knew that would spike your little tone up there, you crazy bastard ya. Give me your number. I’ll get right back to you on this shit. Hello?”