Facelift Without Surgery

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Facelift Without Surgery

Characters: Jack Tors



0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:03 Voice 2: “Yes.”

0:04 Voice 1: “Yes?”

0:05 Voice 2: “Yes. I saw your ad in the paper about the facelift without surgery.”

0:07 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:08 Voice 2: “Can you tell me how this works?”

0:10 Voice 1: “Would you please come – people ask me on the phone and believe me it’s very difficult to explain – …”

0:16 Voice 2: OK. Listen. I…

0:17 Voice 1: “…here for consultation. I will show you machine. If you want [Inaudible 00:00:21] for you to feel and see what it’s all about.”

0:26 Voice 2: “OK. Is this safe?”

0:27 Voice 1: “Of course it is.”

0:28 Voice 2: “OK, because I had a friend tell me…”

0:31 Voice 1: “Yes?”

0:31 Voice 2: “…that what they do is they hang you upside down and they kick you – they kick your face up around the back of your ass.”

0:38 Voice 1: “No, darling. I have a machine. It’s harmless. It just tights up your muscle.”

0:44 Voice 2: “So they don’t kick you in the face and knock you all around the office.”

0:48 Voice 1: “It only tights up your face, your muscles. Therefore, exercise your muscles on your face.”

0:55 Voice 2: “Oh, that’s not right.”

0:56 Voice 1: “Ah.”

0:57 Voice 2: “So what do you do? Do you stick people with needles and all that jazz?”

1:01 Voice 1: “It’s not the needles. It is a machine with electrodes with a small part.”

1:07 Voice 2: “Right.”

1:08 Voice 1: “I lift up those electrodes in each muscle of yours. And then I put another electrode which exercises your muscles.”

1:18 Voice 2: “Right. And would you – you know, there is another little rumor I heard that you heat up hot bacon grease and fire it all over the face.”

1:25 Voice 1: “No, no, no. It’s not like that. That’s why I suggest for you to come.”

1:29 Voice 2: “OK. Look. Let me see. I’ll come down and see what the hell is goin’ on there because this is fuckin’ crazy. I’ll see you today.”

1:35 Voice 1: “OK.”