Burial Vaults

The Jerky Boys, Stop Staring at Me!

Title: Burial Vaults

Characters: Big Ole Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler




0:00 Phone rings

0:03 Voice 1: “Good afternoon [Inaudible 00:04]

0:06 Bob: “Hello.”

0:07 Voice 1: Yes.”

0:08 Bob: “Howdy ma’am? Hello.”

0:11 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:12 Bob: “Yes, I’d like to buy me one of them vaults…Burial vaults. Hello”

0:19 Voice 1:  “Yes.”

0:20 Bob: “Well, I need [Inaudible 00:21] my business.”

0:23 Voice 1: “This is [Inaudible 00:24] vault company.”

0:25 Bob: “Yes. And I’m asking you for a vault.”

0:27 Voice 1: “Okay. And what type vault?

0:29 Bob: “You keep that up, I’m going to be inclined to give you a good shoe in the ass honey! You’ re not listening to me.”

0:36 Voice 1: “Okay.”

0:37 Bob: “Don’t ignore me please. I don’t like that.”

0:39 Voice 1: “No, I won’t.”

0:40 Bob: “Alright. I’m trying to get me a vault. Hello!”

0:43 Voice 1: “Yes. I’m listening.”

0:44 Bob: “Yeah, I don’t see that I have too long in my future. You understand me?”
0:49 Voice 1: “Okay. And who’s calling?”

0:50 Bob: “Yeah. This is Big Ole Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler. And I don’t see me having too much time left on this planet and I want to get me a big vault. You know what I’m saying. I was thinkin’ of bookin’ myself in the old oven there but I’m not going to go that way.”

1:05 Voice 1: “No.”

1:06 Bob: “Goddamn it woman! Are you listening to me?”

1:08 Voice 1: “Yes I am.”

1:10 Bob: “So, please help me out there, honey. Please… [Inaudible 01:11] I’m going to come down and spit near all of you woman!”

1:16 Voice 1: “Okay. And your name?”

1:17 Bob: “My name is Big Ole Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler.  I drive them big 18 wheeler that’s all. I’ve been doin’ that for years. I’m old [Inaudible 00:27]. I’m an old dancing boy. I’ll take that bull, I smack him upside his ass he tried to get cute with me. That’s what I got to do to you if you don’t going to help me out.”

1:37 Voice 1: “Okay. What type of vault do you want?”

1:39 Bob: “I told you, son of a gun. I don’t know how many times I have to say it to you woman? I want me a big one. I do everything big. Damn it, woman! Are you going to help me out?”

1:51 Voice 1: “Yes.”

1:53 Bob: “Okay.”

1:54 Voice 1: “Okay.”

1:55 Bob: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

1:59 Voice 1: “Are you with a funeral home or…?”

1:01 Bob: “Well, how the hell am I going to be in funeral? I’m still walkin’ around. What you want to get rid of me early?”

2:05 Voice 1: “No.”

2:06 Bob: “You crazy bastard you. You want to see me in the ground or something that early, eh?”

2:09 Voice 1: “No.”

2:10 Bob: “Please don’t do that to me. I go little time as it is. Goddamn it woman!”

2:16 Voice 1: “We don’t have vaults big enough.”

2:18 Bob: “Oh, Jesus Christ! Alright, now I’m going to have me try somewhere else, you silly bastard! Thank you very much for all the help there woman. Damn it woman you good! So long now, honey!

2:32 Voice 1: “Bye.”

2:33 Voice 1 hangs up.