Bad Ass Massage

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Bad Ass Massage

Characters: Big Ole’ Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler



0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Hi. This is the [Inaudible 00:00:04].”

0:05 Voice 2: “Howdy, ma’am? Hello?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:10 Voice 2: “Yes. I’d like to get a massage.”

0:14 Voice 1: “You want to get a massage [Inaudible 00:00:14]?”

0:16 Voice 2: “It don’t matter to me who does it, woman.”

0:19 Voice 1: “Well, she is the only one, sir. Are you a client of hers?”

0:21 Voice 2: “Well, I haven’t been. But I’m lookin’ to be now.”

0:24 Voice 1: “OK. What kind of massage are you lookin’ for?”

0:27 Voice 2: “Well, me specifically I am tryin’ to get just a massage on my ass because I drive a truckin’ trailer and I’m on my ass all day. You know what I’m sayin’?”

0:38 Voice 1: “OK, sir. They do – she has several different kinds of massages here. But that…”

0:42 Voice 2: “What is it there? That damn there shiatsu? That Yahtzee, that Yahtzee massage? What type are they doin’ over there?”

0:49 Voice 1: “OK. They do Rosen therapy.”

0:52 Voice 2: “Goddamn it, woman. I tell you what. You listenin’ to me?”

0:58 [Dial tone]

0:59 [Beeping]

1:00 [Phone rings]

1:03 Voice 3: [Inaudible 00:01:03].

1:04 Voice 2: “Yes. I seem to have been disconnected. Is this the young woman I spoke to?”

1:09 Voice 3: “No, it’s not. What can I do?”

1:11 Voice 2: “Yes. I’m tryin’ to get a massage.”

1:13 Voice 3: “All right. Have you been in before?”

1:15 Voice 2: “No, ma’am, I haven’t. But she said there is some [Inaudible 00:01:17] there.”

1:19 Voice 3: “Sir, you are yelling at me? What was the…?”

1:21 Voice 2: “Well, this is the way I speak. I mean I’m a little [Inaudible 00:01:24].”

1:25 Voice 3: “OK. What type of appointment did you want?”

1:27 Voice 2: “Specifically I want my ass done because my ass is – it’s a mess. You understand me?”

1:33 Voice 3: “Yeah, I do. But I don’t know that she’ll do that.”

1:35 Voice 2: “Well, I only want one part done and that’s just my ass. I mean my ass got ricotta cheese in a plastic bag if you know what I’m sayin’.”

1:45 Voice 3: “OK. Yeah. I don’t…”

1:47 Voice 2: “All I am sayin’ is I am big boy is my rear end kind of looks like a pillow that’s been stepped on by football team with cleats.”

1:55 Voice 3: “Sir, you don’t have to tell me again.”

1:57 Voice 2: “I’m just lookin’ to get me a little rub down to get some of them little bubbles out that cellulite bubbles stuff so I can ride my truck and not feel so damn self-conscious. But damn woman, are you listenin’ to me?”

2:10 Voice 3: “Quit yelling at me.”

2:11 Voice 2: “But you are not listening to me, woman. I’m a good man.”

2:15 Voice 3: “I am listening to you if you were listening to me.”

2:19 Voice 2: “I mean you know you ever see some of ’em cattle land? My ass look like a cattle-wrestler. That other young lady told me. [Inaudible 00:02:25] the best in the county. He could do a side of beef that would make it more tender than a damn wet pillow.”

2:31 Voice 3: Sir, I’m going to hang up on you. You can call somebody else.