Bad Ass Massage

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Bad Ass Massage

Characters: Big Ole’ Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler

Summary:

Big Ole Bad Ass Bob wants a massage on his ass. He drives a trailer and he sits all day. He asks about shiatsu. They disconnect him. He calls back at the same volume.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Hi. This is the [Inaudible 00:00:04].”

0:05 Voice 2: “Howdy, ma’am? Hello?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:10 Voice 2: “Yes. I’d like to get a massage.”

0:14 Voice 1: “You want to get a massage [Inaudible 00:00:14]?”

0:16 Voice 2: “It don’t matter to me who does it, woman.”

0:19 Voice 1: “Well, she is the only one, sir. Are you a client of hers?”

0:21 Voice 2: “Well, I haven’t been. But I’m lookin’ to be now.”

0:24 Voice 1: “OK. What kind of massage are you lookin’ for?”

0:27 Voice 2: “Well, me specifically I am tryin’ to get just a massage on my ass because I drive a truckin’ trailer and I’m on my ass all day. You know what I’m sayin’?”

0:38 Voice 1: “OK, sir. They do – she has several different kinds of massages here. But that…”

0:42 Voice 2: “What is it there? That damn there shiatsu? That Yahtzee, that Yahtzee massage? What type are they doin’ over there?”

0:49 Voice 1: “OK. They do Rosen therapy.”

0:52 Voice 2: “Goddamn it, woman. I tell you what. You listenin’ to me?”

0:58 [Dial tone]

0:59 [Beeping]

1:00 [Phone rings]

1:03 Voice 3: [Inaudible 00:01:03].

1:04 Voice 2: “Yes. I seem to have been disconnected. Is this the young woman I spoke to?”

1:09 Voice 3: “No, it’s not. What can I do?”

1:11 Voice 2: “Yes. I’m tryin’ to get a massage.”

1:13 Voice 3: “All right. Have you been in before?”

1:15 Voice 2: “No, ma’am, I haven’t. But she said there is some [Inaudible 00:01:17] there.”

1:19 Voice 3: “Sir, you are yelling at me? What was the…?”

1:21 Voice 2: “Well, this is the way I speak. I mean I’m a little [Inaudible 00:01:24].”

1:25 Voice 3: “OK. What type of appointment did you want?”

1:27 Voice 2: “Specifically I want my ass done because my ass is – it’s a mess. You understand me?”

1:33 Voice 3: “Yeah, I do. But I don’t know that she’ll do that.”

1:35 Voice 2: “Well, I only want one part done and that’s just my ass. I mean my ass looks like cheese in a plastic bag if you know what I’m sayin’.”

1:45 Voice 3: “OK. Yeah. I don’t…”

1:47 Voice 2: “All I am sayin’ is I am big boy is my rear end kind of looks like a pillow that’s been stepped on by football team with cleats.”

1:55 Voice 3: “Sir, you don’t have to tell me again.”

1:57 Voice 2: “I’m just lookin’ to get me a little rub down to get some of them little bubbles out that cellulite bubbles stuff so I can ride my truck and not feel so damn self-conscious. But damn woman, are you listenin’ to me?”

2:10 Voice 3: “Quit yelling at me.”

2:11 Voice 2: “But you are not listening to me, woman. I’m a good man.”

2:15 Voice 3: “I am listening to you if you were listening to me.”

2:19 Voice 2: “I mean you know you ever see some of ’em cattle land? My ass look like a cattle rustler. That other young lady told me. [Inaudible 00:02:25] the best in the county. He could do a side of beef that would make it more tender than a damn wet pillow.”

2:31 Voice 3: Sir, I’m going to hang up on you. You can call somebody else.

Bad Ass Massage – Big Ole Bad Ass Bob

Johnny Brennan is Big Ole Bad Ass Bob the cattle rustler. This is not Frank Rizzo. He has not been in before. He is looking to be a client now. Howdy.