Paradise

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Paradise

Characters: Jack Tors

Summary:

Jack Tors calls Paradise and asks for the fat muffin man. He wants blueberry muffins, not cranberry. Then he wants to come in and see his friend. The address sets him off.

Transcript:

0:01 Voice 1: “Good afternoon. Paradise?”

0:03 Voice 2: “Hi. Is fat muffin man there?”

0:06 Voice 1: “Excuse me?”

0:07 Voice 2: “Yes. Fat muffin man. Is he in?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Fat muffin man?”

0:11 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

0:12 Voice 1: “Well, hopefully, that’s not me. I’m the biggest one here.”

0:15 Voice 2: “Well…”

0:15 Voice 1: “Do you need muffins? This for take-out?”

0:17 Voice 2: “Actually, yes. What sort of muffins? Do you have blueberries?”

0:19 Voice 1: “I have blueberry muffins, cranberry muffins, every kind of muffin.”

0:22 Voice 2: “Oh, no, no, no. Please, I don’t want cranberry. The blueberries now are still nice, and all jammed up with that blueberry?”

0:29 Voice 1: “There are tons of blueberries, sir. Would you like some?”

0:32 Voice 2: “Yes. How many grams of fat do you think are in muffins?”

0:36 Voice 1: “I’m not sure, sir.”

0:37 Voice 2: “How is he anyway?”
0:37 Voice 1: “It’s just a muffin, sir.”

0:39 Voice 2: “How is he anyway?”

0:41 Voice 1: “Excuse me?”

0:42 Voice 2: “How is big muffin ass bastard? How is he doin’ good?”

0:44 Voice 1: “Oh. OK.”

0:47 Voice 2: “He’s a good friend.”

0:47 Voice 1: “Would you like a delivery, sir?”

0:49 Voice 2: “I’d like to come in and see my friend. You know, a good buddy of mine.”

0:53 Voice 1: “Well, would you like our address, sir?”

0:55 Voice 2: “I would like…”

0:55 Voice 1: “And you could come in here? It is 4-44 West 43rd Street.”

0:59 Voice 2: “What the fuck kind of comment is that? I didn’t say anything to deserve that. Sir?”

1:04 Voice 1: “Hey, hey.”

1:05 Voice 2: “No, no. That’s…”

1:05 Voice 1: “OK. If you are rude to – I don’t know if you want to take it manager, you can. I don’t understand.”

1:07 Voice 2: “Well, no, no. I mean that – no – listen to me. I’m only askin’ about muffins, and you’re starting to shout at me and yell about members. I wasn’t lookin’ for anything along those lines.”

1:19 Voice 1: “OK. Well, we can…”

1:21 Voice 2: “Please, hello? Bing-bong.” [Whistles] “Goodbye, sir.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Right.”

Paradise – Jack Tors

Johnny Brennan is Jack Tors. The shop sells muffins. Jack is asking after a person. He would like to know how his buddy is doing.