1-800-How’s My Driving

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: 1-800-How’s My Driving

Characters: Frank Rizzo

Summary: Frank gives his opinions on a truck driver’s driving.


0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Frank Rizzo: “Hello”

0:02 Voice 2: “Ok”

0:03 Frank Rizzo: “Yeah he backed over my goddamn legs. Now I’m standing here with shattered fucking legs that’s all I need. I just came to in the fucking hospital here. All I remember seeing is that-that little, freakin’ cute sign you have there about the bad driving.”

0:15 Voice 2: “Ok”

0:16 Frank Rizzo: “Hello?”

0:17 Voice 2: “Can I get your name and number?”

0:18 Frank Rizzo: “Aw Christ, is it always this way with you people? Where the hell do you get these drivers from? What do you pull them off the street? What is this?”

0:24 Voice 2: “Sir.”

0:25 Frank Rizzo: “Do you pull them off the subways? Christ sake this guy backed up over my legs three or four times there. They look like chop meat now.”

0:31 Voice 2: “Sir, I want to help you.”

0:32 Frank Rizzo: “Aww christ.”

0:34 Voice 2: “To help you I’m going to need to get some information.”

0:36 Frank Rizzo: “Ahh go ahead. Shoot. Shoot me some info. Go ahead.”

0:39 Voice 2: “I need your name and number.”

0:40 Frank Rizzo: “I gotta give you my name and number when I got some guy who smashed me into little pieces as a human being?”

0:45 Voice 2: “ok… well can you at least give me-”

0:48 Frank Rizzo: “If you saw my legs right now buddy you- you’d probably vomit. The damn things are sick looking. It’s horrible the fucking dog will be nipping at me in a little while with these fucking legs the way they are. For Christ’s sake.”

0:58 Voice 2: “Do you have the vehicle number at all?”

1:00 Frank Rizzo: “Aww christ, the vehicle number. All I remember a big delivery truck or some swill or some shit was dripping outta the back of that fucking thing. I don’t know.”

1:08 Voice 2: “Do you have the company name of the vehicle?”

1:10 Frank Rizzo: “How the hell am I going to see the company name when I’m busy rolling around under the fucking truck?”

1:13 Voice 2: “Sir I’m just trying to help”

1:14 Frank Rizzo: “Jesus Christ you’re asking me for company names and I’m layin under the fucking truck. I can give you serial numbers that’s about the best I can do for ya. Christ’s sake the goddamn gearbox crushed me into the ground and you’re asking me for the fucking name of the business. What do I look like a tomcat or something? A nightcrawler? Jesus Christ, go ahead shoot. ”

1:34 Voice 2: “Ok, I’ll *laughs* I gonna have to- I’m going to help you.”

1:37 Frank Rizzo: “Oh so this is funny? Are you laughing now for Christ’s sake?”

1:40 Voice 2: “No I just need to get the vehicle-”

1:42 Frank Rizzo: “Aww jeez the more I think about it the more angry I get. I’m laying up in the fucking hospital bed. I won’t be able to get myself near a fucking bottle of hooch and you’re fucking telling me it’s a fucking joke. It’s funny?”

1:54 Voice 2: “No, I’m not laughing at all sir. I want to get some information.”

1:57 Frank Rizzo: “Aw Christ”

1:58 Voice 2: “I can help you”

1:59 Frank Rizzo: “Aww man, there’s this mad fucking awful stink coming off my legs here. Must’ve been the fucking marrow or something for all I know.”

2:08 Voice 2: “Ok and what day did this happen?”

2:10 Frank Rizzo: “Aw man it happened today. I just came to in the fucking hospital now. Aww Jesus. My friend tells me you can call the numbers on these fucking delivery boys there.”

2:20 Voice 2: “Ok, what time did this happen?”

2:23 Frank Rizzo: “Time. How the fuck am I going to remember- you say time now. What are you a wise guy with the time? I’m supposed to remember the time when I’m fucking out like a light, time.”

2:30 Voice 2: “Sir, I’m going to disconnect you.”

2:32 Voice 3: “Ryan terminate the call please.”

2:34 Frank Rizzo: “Hello? Aw for Christ’s sake.”

Visit us at 1-800 How is my driving?