Piano Tuner

The Jerky Boys, album 1

Title: Piano Tuner

Characters: Frank Rizzo



0:00 Phone rings..
0:02 Eric: “Hello.”

0:03 Frank: “Yes, Eric there?”

0:04 Eric: “This is me.”

0:05 Frank: “Eric, how are you? Listen, you’re the piano tuning guy, right?”

0:08 Eric: “Yes.”

0:08 Frank: “Yeah, the butt nut. Listen, I need you to do me a favor.”

0:12 Eric: “Who is this?”

0:13 Frank: “This is… uh… Frank Rizzo. I got the problem over here.”

0:17 Eric: “Uh, who are you?”

0:18 Frank: “I’m calling you ’cos I need a little help.”

0:20 Eric: “Right. Have I ever done pianos for you before?”

0:23 Frank: “No, you haven’t.”

0:24 Crying in the background

0:24 Eric: “Okay, who… where did you get my name from?”

0:26 Frank: “We got it out of the [Honk], but I’ll you what. I got a problem here.”

0:28 Crying in the background

0:28 Eric: “Uh-huh.

0:29 Frank: “I… my fuckin’ dog is inside the piano. He jumped… he must have jumped up there and got wedged down in the fuckin’ wires and I need you to help me do some… I don’t shit about this tunin’. Get him outta there!”

0:43 Eric: “Uh, I am sorry I can’t help you right now.”

0:45 Frank: “Well…”

0:45 Eric: “I mean your dog is stuck inside.”

0:47 Frank: “Yeah, he jumped inside there. He’s scared of me. I’m always beatin’ him and whatnot. I got my wife over here screamin’…”

0:53 Wife screaming and crying

0:53 Frank: “… to get the fucking dog from the piano.”

0:55 Eric: “Well, I’m sorry… you know, I am not on call like a doctor…uh.”

1:02 Wife talking in the background

1:03 Frank: “Oh well. I could really use the help there, alright. He’s fuckin’… he’s wedged in there. I don’t know how to get him outta there. He’s snappin’ at me.”

1:09 Eric: “Where do you live?”

1:10 Frank: “He’s stripped his fuckin’ teet. He’s snappin’. He’s all… he’s really in bad shape.”

1:14 Eric: “You expect me to… to… to take your dog that’s snapping and barking and biting to get him out of a piano?”

1:19 Frank: “Well…”

1:20 Eric: “I don’t think so.”

1:21 Frank: “…eh, he’s a little too tough for me there Eric. Come on. I… I need your help here fruitcake. Please!”

1:25 Eric: “Uh… what kind of dog is it?”

1:27 Frank: ‘He’s a Rottweiler.”

1:28 Eric: “And you’re [Inaudible 01:29]… no, I’m sorry. You’ll have to call somebody else.”

1:32 Frank: “Ahh, for Chrissake! I can’t count on you people?”

1:34 Eric: “Yeah, I’m sorry, bye.”

1:36 Frank: “Okay.”