New Awnings

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: New Awnings

Characters: Mike Derucki



0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:03 Voice 2: “Hello. How you doin’, honey?”

0:04 Voice 1: “OK.”

0:05 Voice 2: “I got to get me an awning.”

0:07 Voice 1: “What kind of awning?”

0:08 Voice 2: “Yeah. I need a garage – over the garage here. One of my guys made a big hole in the damn thing. Whoa. Hold on, Mike. Yeah. How you doin’, honey?”

0:14 Voice 1: “I don’t understand. A what?”

0:16 Voice 2: “All right. Look. Well, hold on there, honey. Bring it back, Mike. Bring it back. Whoa! All right. Cut it down. Hello, honey?”

0:23 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:24 Voice 2: “Yeah. I got to get me one of them awnings.”

0:25 Voice 1: “What kind of awning?”

0:26 Voice 2: “You know, right over the garage. Yeah. This guy backed into it last week. He backed into it, tore the goddamn thing right off the wall there. Come on, Mike. Bring it back. Whoa! Watch his fuckin’ leg, Mike. Whoa. Cut it down. Whoa. Cut it down. Hello?”

0:41 Voice 1: “You see I…’

0:42 Voice 2: “I’m sorry, honey. I’m tryin’ to get these guys. I got a bunch of lunatics getting to drive these damn trucks. They’re all over the place. That’s why I got to get the new awnings. Hello?”

0:49 Voice 1: “What kind of awnings do you have?”

0:51 Voice 2: “We had an awning there outside the garage. This guy tore it right off the same fuckin’ side of the wall. That’s why I got to get new ones now.”

0:58 Voice 1: [Inaudible 00:00:58].

1:00 Voice 2: “Yeah. Hello?”

1:01 Voice 1: “What kind of awnings are you lookin’ for?”

1:03 Voice 2: “Just to keep the rain out there, honey. You know, the rain comin’ in on the truck drivers, they don’t like that.”

1:06 Voice 1: “You’re lookin’ for all metal?”

1:08 Voice 2: “Yeah. All metal awnings. I need that.”

1:10 Voice 1: “Right.”

1:11 Voice 2: “Even if you could put a little bit of metal with the little bit of the vinyl there, we like that, too.”

1:14 Voice 1: [Inaudible 00:01:14].

1:15 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, I like that, too.”

1:16 Voice 1: “Only a little.”

1:17 Voice 2: “Yeah. A little bit of aluminum.”

1:19 Voice 1: “We don’t do aluminum.”

1:20 Voice 2: “OK. Well, what do you got? What do you…?”

1:26 Voice 3: “Can I help you?”

1:27 Voice 2: “How are you doin’ there? We need one of them awnings out there in the garage, over the garage to keep the rain out.”

1:31 Voice 3: “Aluminum?”

1:32 Voice 2: “Yeah. The guy ripped the goddamn thing down last week there. Bring it back, Mike. Bring it back. Whoa. Cut it down, Mike. Watch his fuckin’ legs. Hello?”

1:40 Voice 3: “What do you need? Aluminum, right?”

1:42 Voice 2: “Yeah. Aluminum, vinyl, whatever you got there. We’ll put it up on the wall there to keep these guys out. The bastard ripped it right off last week. Jerry, I got him drivin’ the truck. He ripped the fuckin’ thing clean off the wall on me. Put it down, Mike. Mow it down. Hello? Hello?”

1:55 Voice 3:”Yeah. Go ahead.”

1:56 Voice 2: “OK. Yeah.”

1:57 Voice 3: “How big is this?”

1:58 Voice 2: “Oh. It’s about 30-foot 35-feet across.”

2:02 Voice 3: “We’re doing the canvass.”

2:03 Voice 2: “Ripped the fuckin’ – he ripped the fuckin’ thing clean off the wall, came down and hit some old broad in the street.”

2:07 Voice 3: “Yeah.”

2:09 Voice 2: “Put it down, Mike. The fuckin’ thing wrapped around her goddamn neck, man. The dogs were pissin’ on her and everything. They found her underneath the fuckin’ truck, man.”

2:16 Voice 3: “Your canvass, do you want canvass on it?”

2:18 Voice 2: “That’s all you got? That goddamn canvass?”

2:20 Voice 3: “Yeah. That’s it.”

2: Voice 2: “Oh, shit. We’re lookin’ to get something strong. These guys are always ripping the fuck out. Mike, take it back, Mike. Watch his fuckin’ leg, you son of a bitch. Cut it down.”

2:29 Voice 3: “Hello?”

2:30 Voice 2: “Hello. Yeah. I’m sorry about that. OK.”

2:31 Voice 3: [Inaudible 00:02:31].

2:33 Voice 2: “All right. We’ll get that later. All right. Listen. I’m sorry. Should I get a steel leg? I need the heavy shit, you know.”

2:38 Voice 3: “I don’t make them.”

2:39 Voice 2: “OK, sweetheart. See you later.”

2:51 [Dial tone]

2:52 [Beeps]

2:58 [Phone rings]

3:07 Voice 4: “Hello. You’ve reached the office of Doggy Do’s and Don’ts, a canine etiquette training program. Please leave a brief message after the tone and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

3:20 [Beep]

3:23 [Dog growling].

3:40 Man screaming.

3:44 Voice 5: “Oh, God.”

3:46 [Dog growling]

3:48 Man screaming.

3:49 [Dog snarling]

3:50 [Dog barks]

3:51 [Dog snarling]

3:55 [Dog barks]

3:56 Man screaming.