Bird Feed

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Bird Feed

Characters: Sol Rosenberg



0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:03 Voice 2: “Yes.”

0:04 Voice 1: “Hi. Hi, ma’am. Hello?”

0:07 Voice 2: “Yes.”

0:08 Voice 1: “Hi. Yes. I am looking to buy bird feed.”

0:12 Voice 2: “OK.”

0:13 Voice 1: “You have bird feed?”

0:14 Voice 2: “Yes.”

0:15 Voice 1: “What sort of bird feed do you have?”

0:18 Voice 2: “What are you looking for?”

0:19 Voice 1: “Well, I want to feed those little [swallops] or [swallows] – [sweeh] – what are they? They fly all about like the humming birds. They stand all in one spot there while they rip the things out of their little hanging thing.”

0:33 Voice 2: “OK. So you want to feed wild birds feed?”

0:36 Voice 1: “Yes. But I don’t want to give them seeds and bird feeds that’s going to make them attack anybody near my home. Because as it is right now the birds that I have, they attack my dogs and my horses.”

0:50 Voice 2: “OK. Well, I don’t know what kind of feed those little birds…”

0:54 Voice 1: “They swoop down – they swoop and they bite and nip my horse in his face. And they bit my horse’s teeth and his face right out.”

1:03 Voice 2: “OK.”

1:04 Voice 1: “They’re bad birds. I think they’re like crows or something.”

1:06 Voice 2: “Oh, gosh.”

1:07 Voice 1: “Yes. They’re awful nasty, awful things. And they go [Inaudible 00:01:12] – [Inaudible 00:01:13] down like that. They go [making swopping bird sounds]. They swing down like that. And they go [making odd sounds] and they scare my horsey. And then my horsey when he got scared, he booted me across the barn because he was angry with the birds.”

1:30 Voice 2: “I see.”

1:31 Voice 1: “All I need is some feed.”

1:33 Voice 2: “But we sell wild bird seed.”

1:36 Voice 1: “Hi. Hi. Ma’am?”

1:40 Voice 2: “Yes.”

1:41 Voice 1: “Yes. I need bird seeds.”

1:43 Voice 2: “The bird feed we sell is wild bird seed.”

1:46 Voice 1: “No. But that’s what I’m sayin’. You see you’re selling me wild bird seeds and that’s going to make these birds crazy. They’re already wild enough. I don’t need them anymore crazy. Please. Please.”

1:57 Voice 2: “Well, well, what do you want?”

2:00 Voice 1: “I don’t want the birds nasty and wild. I want regular bird seeds, not wild ones.”

2:06 Voice 2: “Scratch bird feed?”

2:07 Voice 1: “Pardon me?”

2:08 Voice 2: “We have a feed called scratch.”

2:11 Voice 1: “Oh, I fed that to me chickens and then they’re up in the morning going cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo in my window. And I don’t need that. But I don’t need scratch.”

2:21 Voice 2: “OK. Wait.”

2:23 Voice 1: “Can my horse eat my bird feed without getting sick? Is that possible because I noticed sometimes it will grow grass? My horses won’t get sick, will they?”

2:34 Voice 2: “They shouldn’t.”

2:35 Voice 1: “Right. Because one time I left my shoes in the mud, I had mud and the horses ate my shoes and they were very sick, very sick.”

2:43 Voice 2: “Well, the only other feed we have is we have cockatail feed and that’s it. You probably need to call a pet shop.”

2:51 Voice 1: “If I come in, would you sell me one of the cockatails then?”

2:54 Voice 2: “If you want, sure.”

2:56 Voice 1: “And they say, hi, mister, how are you? Hello?”

3:00 Voice 2: “I don’t know. I have no idea.”

3:03 Voice 1: “But you do train them over there or no?”

3:06 Voice 2: “We sell the cockatail feed.”

3:08 Voice 1: “Oh, you don’t sell the birds, the actual birds.”

3:11 Voice 2: “No.”

3:12 Voice 1: “One time I had one that was trained like that, could say, hello, sir, thank you very much. Did you have a very good day? Thank you. I’m sorry. I must be – OK – I must be taking up too much time. I’ll just – I’ll stop by and buy some of that feed.”

3:26 Voice 2: “OK.”

3:27 Voice 1: “All right, dear.”

3:28 Voice 2: “Bye.”

3:29 Voice 1: “Thank you, honey.”

3:30 Voice 2: “OK. Bye-bye.”

3:31 Voice 1: “Cock-a-doodle-doo.”