Florida, The Tropical State

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Florida, The Tropical State

Characters: Jack Tors



0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:04 Voice 2: “Yes. I’m calling about the ad that’s in the paper.”

0:05 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:06 Voice 2: “How much you askin’ for the chainsaw?”

0:09 Voice 1: “The chainsaw?”

0:10 Voice 2: “Right.”

0:11 Voice 1: “It’s actually my roommate’s.”

0:13 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

0:14 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

0:14 Voice 2: “How much does he want for it?”

0:15 Voice 1: “Oh, I don’t know. A few bucks, I guess. He uses it around the house and shit. He builds like art with it, you know.”

0:22 Voice 2: “Yeah. What kind of?”

0:23 Voice 1: “Like fuckin’ sculptures. He does like ice and wood sculptures and shit. I don’t know. It’s like a saw, you know, some kind of fuckin’ saw, makes noise and shit. It fuckin’ makes cuts, too. I could tell you that.”

0:35 Voice 2: “Is there any way he can get back to me on this?”

0:37 Voice 1: “You can come by and take a look at ’em or some shit.

0:39 Voice 2: “Yeah. Where? Where? Where do you live?”

0:41 Voice 1: “He lives upstate in Manhattan and Bolton. You know, he is up and down.”

0:44 Voice 2: “Yeah. But where?”

0:45 Voice 1: “What do you mean where?”

0:46 Voice 2: “Where is he at right now? So I could go and look at this stuff.”

0:49 Voice 1: “Oh, shit. I don’t know. It’s hard to get a hold of him, you know.”

0:52 Voice 2: “So why does he run an ad in the paper if you don’t know where the hell he is?”

0:55 Voice 1: No, it’s not that. It’s just hard to get a hold of him. He makes those fuckin’ bears and he does that ice shit so he is fuckin’ jerk as far as I’m concerned. He thinks he’s great but all that art and shit. But he is a fuckin’ idiot. Yeah. So what do you want to do? Take a look at this thing or what?”

1:11 Voice 2: “Well, yeah. I got to know where the hell it is.”

1:13 Voice 1: “Oh. See, he leaves me with these phone calls, this scumbag bastard. Well, what’s your name?”

1:19 [Beeping]

1:21 Voice 1: “Where are you from?”

1:23 Voice 2: “From Florida, New York.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Oh, shit. How is the weather there? Nice?”

1:27 Voice 2: “Shitty.”

1:28 Voice 1: “Oh, shit. Usually it’s sunny. Are you far from Daytona or EPCOT or something?”

1:34 Voice 2: “I’m not down Florida.”

1:35 Voice 1: “Oh.”

1:36 Voice 2: “I’m up in New York.”

1:37 Voice 1: “Oh, shit. Wow. I don’t know you – I didn’t even know that fuckin’ New York had a Florida.”

1:41 Voice 2: “Yes.”

1:42 Voice 1: “So it shows you see. Do you grow oranges there and shit like that?”

1:45 Voice 2: “No. No. No.”

1:47 Voice 1: “And so, the weather is not that good then?”

1:49 Voice 2: “Again, this is not a tropical state. This is New York.”

1:53 Voice 1: “Oh, shit. It’s New York.”

1:55 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

1:56 Voice 1: “That’s what I’m saying I didn’t know there was such a thing as a Florida in New York State.”

1:59 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

2:00 Voice 1: “I don’t think you know geography or something so well. That doesn’t sound right. Florida in New York, you are being silly.”

2:06 Voice 2: “Florida New York is the name of the town.”

2:08 Voice 1: “Are you serious?”

2:09 Voice 2: “No.”

2:10 Voice 1: “Oh, I see. You’re playing then, you fucker. [Inaudible 00:02:12].”

2:12 Voice 2: “Florida, New York.”

2:13 Voice 1: “OK. Great. So you’re in Florida. So you’re getting mad with me. I’m just tryin’ to help out. Go ahead.”

2:17 Voice 2: “This guy’s an asshole because you don’t know where the hell he hid it.”

2:20 Voice 1: “I know. And he leaves me, this scumbag. I’m sitting here like a jackass. And now on top of it, you’re getting nasty with me and I’m sorry. I’m just really sorry.”

2:30 Voice 2: “And this don’t make any sense. He put the ad in the paper.”

2:32 Voice 1: “I know. But I know. But I’m just – you know, you get all mad with me. I’m sorry. Go ahead. What’s your phone number?”

2:39 Voice 2: “651…”

2:40 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

2:41 [Beeping]

2:43 Voice 1: “I’ll have him call you.”

2:44 Voice 2: “Code is 914.”

2:46 Voice 1: “OK. And what – you want him to try this thing out for you or something or is he like…?”

2:50 Voice 2: “He put an ad in the paper here is selling lawn equipment.”

2:52 Voice 1: “I know. He’s crazy. He was showing that fuckin’ chainsaw yesterday. He was like [making machine sounds]. He is doing that shit, squeezin’ this fuckin’ thing around the house. Oil is squirtin’ all over the fuckin’ place, hot oil and gas and shit.”

3:07 Voice 2: “Tell this guy to give me a call.”

3:08 Voice 1: “OK. [Beep] in Florida. Don’t be so angry though, you know. I’m not the guy.”

3:13 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

3:14 Voice 1: “I don’t sell this shit. I just watch this guy go crazy with that shit. He’s an artist he says. He is fuckin’ naked with the chainsaw runnin’ around the house. Me, I think he’s a fuckin’ jerk that belongs in Bellevue.”

3:25 Voice 2: “I got to run. I got to go back to work.”

3:26 Voice 1: “So go get some work done, you silly bastard.”

3:29 Voice 2: “All right.”

3:30 Voice 1: “All right, you fuck. Bye.”