Bad Ass Message – the woke version

Title: Empowered Assertion

[Scene: A modern, inclusive office setting. An assertive individual, Pat, sits at their desk, taking calls.]

Pat: [Picks up the phone confidently] Hello, you’ve reached the empowered assertion hotline. How may I assist you today in navigating respectful communication?

Caller: Yeah, uh, is this the jerk store?

Pat: Actually, this is a space for fostering constructive dialogue and mutual understanding. How can I support you in addressing your concern?

Caller: Look, I wanna leave a message for Sal Rosenberg.

Pat: Of course, I’m happy to help facilitate that communication. What’s the nature of your message?

Caller: Tell him he’s a piece of–

Pat: [Interrupts calmly] I appreciate your honesty, but let’s strive for constructive communication. Could you articulate your feelings in a more respectful manner?

Caller: [Pauses, slightly confused] Uh, okay. Tell him… he’s being rather inconsiderate.

Pat: Excellent. I’ll ensure your message is delivered with the utmost professionalism. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Caller: Yeah, tell him he’s a jerk!

Pat: I understand you’re frustrated, but name-calling isn’t conducive to resolving conflicts. How about we focus on expressing your feelings without resorting to derogatory language?

Caller: [Reluctantly] Fine. Just tell him he needs to improve his behavior.

Pat: Thank you for your patience and understanding. Your message will be relayed in a manner that promotes growth and understanding. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Caller: No, that’s it.

Pat: Thank you for choosing empowered assertion. Have a respectful day.

[End of call]