Make Air Not War

The Jerky Tapes (Album 6)

Title: Make Air Not War

Characters: Johnny Brennan

Summary:

“Make Air Not War” features a quirky prank call driven by a strange phrase. The conversation begins unusually and grows more confusing. Repetition builds humor throughout. Johnny Brennan’s delivery keeps it engaging. The pacing remains steady. The character stays committed to the idea. Fans enjoy its originality. A classic example of creative Jerky Boys humor.

Transcript:

0:00 Background noise..

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:03 Voice 2: “Yep. What’s up?”

0:04 Voice 1: “Is this the [Inaudible 00:05] blasting things?

0:07 Voice 2: “Yeah, that’s right.”

0:08 Voice 1: “What is it actually made of?”

0:10 Voice 2: “Yeah, you wear it on your back.”

0:12 Voice 1: “Oh-ho-ho, really? Umm… how big is it, may I ask?”

0:15 Voice 2: “Uh, the unit’s about… it goes about 70, 80 pounds.”

0:18 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

0:19 Voice 2: “Yeah, you wear it around the thing on your back, you know, like… they look like scuba tanks.”

0:23 Voice 1: “Oh really? And… I mean what I’m tryin’ to say to you is it… do you have… you have like a air pistol or something connected to it?”

0:28 Voice 2: “Yeah, it looks like one of dem damn fire hoses or some shit.”

0:31 Voice 1: “Ah-haah!”

0:32 Voice 2: “Yeah and that [Inaudible 00:33], it comes with different canisters of gas.”

0:35 Voice 1: “Ah-haah! What are you asking for it?”

0:38 Voice 2: “Uh, about…ahh three, four hundred dollars.”

0:41 Voice 1: “Is this on a concept of… umm… somewhat that you charge the thing itself at home or how is it… I mean, using it as far as in… in the concept of a… of war?”

0:51 Voice 2: “Jesus! That’s pretty harsh. I… I don’t think war.”

0:54 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

0:54 Voice 2: “But you know how you got to go through all that shit to get a hand gun.”

0:57 Voice 1: “Right, okay.”

0:58 Voice 2: “Yeah, the hell with that bullshit, right, so I come up with this idea… you… you run around with the blastin’ tanks you know?

1:04 Voice 1: “I kinda like it. I mean it just sounds kind of cool.”

1:07 Voice 2: “You gotta be careful though. I filled the fuckers up with too much one time. I pushed too much air in that fuckin’ thing and it blew up on my back.”

1:13 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

1:14 Voice 2: “Yeah, I was like, “Oh, oh-haah, owhh.”

1:17 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

1:17 Voice 2: “Oh, I was lyin’ in the fuckin’ street. Nobody helped me out.”

1:21 Voice 1: “Ah-haah!”

1:22 Voice 2: “Fuckin’ thing blew up my back. I was outta wind.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

1:25 Voice 2: “Yeah, I was… I… it made me so fuckin’ embarrassed, you know?”

1:29 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

1:29 Voice 2: “It blew the fuckin’ clothes off me in shreds.”

1:32 Voice 1: “Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh.”

1:33 Voice 2: “So what I did, I crawled underneath the [Inaudible 01:34]. I felt so goddamn embarrassed.”

1:37 Voice 1: “Well, yes. I’d like to see one, but you don’t know what you’re going to… umm…”

1:40 Voice 2: “Come over to the shop and I’ll show you de fuckin’ thing.”

1:42 Voice 1: “Sure!”

1:44 Voice 2: “Yeah, you put on the protective glasses, goggles…”

1:46 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

1:47 Voice 2: “Then you put the fuckin’ things on. I’ll blow de air at you. Got different canisters I put in it. I have blue canister…”

1:54 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

1:55 Voice 2: “And that blows out like a sweet gas, you know?”

1:57 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

1:58 Voice 2: “So it kinda disarms any approachin’ [Inaudible 02:00] or somethin’. They smell sweet gas and they feel all nice I guess, you know.”

2:04 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

2:05 Voice 2: “I tested it out on my fuckin’ dawg. I tell ya the shit works.”

2:08 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

2:09 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

2:09 Voice 1: “Uhh.”

2:10 Voice 2: “I blew the fuckin’ tank off. I gave him a blast and the fuckin’ dawg was all happy.”

2:14 Voice 1: “Oh, really, really, really…”

2:16 Voice 2: “You know, I tease him at first.”

2:17 Voice 1: “You what?”

2:18 Voice 2: “I gotta get him mad, right? I had to get that dawg mad. I poked him with a stick. I [Inaudible 02:23] out of him and fuckin’ next thing he’s [Inaudible 02:25] growling.”

2:26 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

2:27 Voice 2: “And then I poke him. I… I hit him with a ball from the fuckin’ gun and he’s all happy rolling by the couch.”

2:33 Voice 1: “Oh, really.”

2:33 Voice 2: “Yeah, he went on his backside and [Inaudible 02:35] me over and showin’ me his neck. They say that’s submissive.”

2:39 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

2:40 Voice 2: “Yeah, he was showin’ me his balls too. You know, you come on over. We’ll blow the fuckin’ hair off the dawg.”

2:45 Voice 1: “Uh-huh. No, I don’t want to hurt your dog man. I just want to… I want just to see. I don’t want to go there and you blow the head off my ass.”

2:50 Voice 2: “Naw, I won’t do dat.”

2:51 Voice 1: “Yeah… see, you think… right now, you’re fuckin’ with the dog. Right now… who the hell… till I get to you, like I want to try a human.”

2:57 Voice 2: “No, you know what I could do. I’ll put the sweet gas in the fuckin’ thing and I’ll try to [Inaudible 03:00] you up. Maybe I’ll get a piece off you.”

3:02 Voice 1: “Naw, I don’t want nothin’ like that. Unh-uh, unh-uh. Listen, my [Inaudible 03:04].”

3:06 Voice 2: “Oh, I got you.”

3:07 Voice 1: “Alright, so I’m not tryin’ uhh…”

3:10 Voice 2: “I got you.”

3:11 Voice 1: “Okay.”

3:11 Voice 2: “My… you know, funny enough, my ass kind of looks like the fuckin’ Lincoln Tunnel.

3:15 Voice 1: “Oh!”

3:15 Voice 2: “I’ll tell you what then. We both go on the fuckin’ dawg. He ain’t got no choice.”

3:18 Voice 1: “Hey listen… [Inaudible 03:18] listen. I am not here today…”

3:21 Voice 2: “What? You’re sayin’ you don’t like my dawg?”

3:22 Voice 1: “Well, I’d like to say I don’t like your dog. I don’t like any dog. I mean, I’m quite sure your dog is cute and probably has hairy balls or whatever, but that’s not my [Inaudible 03:29].”

3:29 Voice 2: “But… aw, come on you fuck!”

3:31 Voice 1: “Hey listen, what are you asking for if you’re going to sell it?”

3:33: Voice 2: “Well, I’d probably go about five grand.”

3:35 Voice 1: “You want five grand.”

3:36 Voice 2: “Why not?”

3:38 Voice 1: “First you say there’s stuff under hundred.”

3:40 Voice 2: “What?”

3:41 Voice 1: “You have it listed here in stuff under a hundred.”

3:43 Voice 2: “Yeah, well that must have been a typo or some shit.”

3:46 Voice 1: “Okay.”

3:47 Voice 2: “Plus insurance and all that. You know this blows up on somebody’s fuckin’ ass, they’re gonna look to hang me.”

3:51 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

3:52 Voice 2: “I need some cash, so I can get out of the country, you know?”

3:53 Voice 1: “Uh-huh. Oh! So I can… my shit fucked up and you can go as, Okay, well I’m out.”

3:58  Voice 2: “Yeah, but you could look at it this way. You take it out on the old [Inaudible 04:00]. You block the fuckin’ shorts and shit.”

4:03 Voice 1: “Laughs… “Yeah, block up my ass with it. You are too much.”

4:06 Voice 2: “Yeah. The fuckin’ neighbors, they fire shit outta the window down on to my shack.”

4:10 Voice 1: “Yeah… yeah, you’re comical. You know that?”

4:11 Voice 2: “You are…”

4:12 Voice 1: “You’re a riot.”

4:13 Voice 2: “Hello!”

4:14 Voice 1: “Hello.”

4:15 Voice 2: “Yeah, hello.”

4:15 Voice 1: “No, I…”

4:16 Voice 2: “Hi! Hello.”

4:16 Voice 1: “You know, I thought you hung up after me there.”  

4:18 Voice 2: “No, I didn’t hang up on you. I made one out of an old fuckin’ toolbox.”

4:22 Voice 1: “Oh, really?”

4:22 Voice 2: “Yeah, the fuckin’ thing [Inaudible 04:23] it blows the shit outta anything.”

4:25 Voice 1: “Oh, I see. Uhmm… what about sometime during the weekend?”

4:30 Voice 2: “Yeah, you bang on the fuckin’ door.”

4:31 Voice 1: “Okay.”

4:32 Voice 2: “We’ll shoot this fuckin’ blaster off with my dawg. I’ll get a kick out of it.”

4:35 Voice 1: “Alright. Umm… just call you when I’m ready to come down?”

4:38 Voice 2: “Yeah, give me a buzz. We’ll go look at this fuckin’ gun.”

4:40 Voice 1: “Okay.”

4:40 Voice 2: “Alright buddy.”

4:41 Voice 1: “Thank you.”

4:41 Voice 2: “Alright.”

4:42 Voice 1: “Bye-bye.”

4:43 Voice 2: “Hello.”

4:44: Voice 1: “Hello.”

4: 44 Voice 2: “Okay, right.”

4:45 Voice 1: “Bye.”

4:46 Voice 2: “Bye.”