Food & Drug Complaint – the woke version
Title: Conscious Consumers’ Concern
Characters: Concerned Caller, Grocery Store Clerk
Summary:
A polite caller contacts a grocery store to raise concerns about sustainability, pesticides, and unhealthy ingredients. The clerk tries to respond professionally while the conversation becomes increasingly unnecessary, creating slow-burn awkward humor in classic Jerky Boys prank call style.
Transcript:
[The scene opens with a phone ringing in a bustling grocery store. A concerned voice picks up.]
Store Clerk: Good day, how may I assist you?
Caller: Hello, yes. I’m calling to voice some concerns about the products your store carries.
Store Clerk: Of course, I’m here to help. What seems to be the issue?
Caller: Well, I’ve noticed that some of the items you stock don’t align with our values of sustainability and ethical sourcing.
Store Clerk: I see. Could you provide me with more details?
Caller: Certainly. Firstly, your selection of fruits and vegetables seems to heavily favor those grown using conventional farming methods, which often involve harmful pesticides and contribute to environmental degradation.
Store Clerk: I understand your concern. We strive to offer organic and locally sourced produce whenever possible. I’ll be sure to relay your feedback to our purchasing team.
Caller: That’s a good start. Additionally, I’ve noticed that many packaged foods on your shelves contain ingredients that are detrimental to human health, such as excessive sugars, artificial additives, and preservatives.
Store Clerk: Your observation is valid. We’re committed to promoting healthier alternatives and are continuously reviewing our product offerings to better meet the needs of our conscious consumers.
Caller: I appreciate your willingness to address these issues. It’s crucial for businesses to prioritize the well-being of their customers and the planet over profit margins.
Store Clerk: Absolutely. We value your feedback and are dedicated to making positive changes within our store to support a more sustainable and socially responsible future.
Caller: Thank you for taking the time to listen and for your commitment to fostering positive change. I look forward to seeing improvements in your product selection.
Store Clerk: It’s our pleasure. We’re here to serve our community and ensure that everyone can shop with confidence knowing that their values are being respected. Thank you for bringing these concerns to our attention.
[The call ends with a sense of mutual understanding and a shared commitment to conscious consumerism.]
A Piece of Comedy History
The original classic comedy albums worked because the humor didn’t come from insults, it came from commitment. The caller believed the conversation completely, and the other person tried to stay professional no matter what happened.
That same formula appears here. The tone never breaks, the conversation stays polite, and the situation becomes funnier with every reasonable response.
This is why the crank call legends lasted beyond their era. The setting changes, but human reactions never do.
Who Are the Jerky Boys?
The Jerky Boys were created by Johnny Brennan and Kamal Ahmed in Queens, New York. They first gained underground fame in the late 1980s and early 1990s through self-released cassette tapes featuring raw, unscripted prank calls. Their breakthrough came with the albums The Jerky Boys (1993) and The Jerky Boys 2 (1994), which sold millions by delivering genuine chaos: voices improvised in real time, unsuspecting victims caught completely off guard, and no safety nets or scripts to fall back on.
The group’s brilliance lies in their unforgettable recurring characters:
- Sol Rosenberg: The perpetually anxious, whiny victim (frequently voiced by Kamal Ahmed).
- Jack Tors: The deeply insecure, bizarre oddball.
- Frank Rizzo: The loud, profane, thick-accented tough guy (voiced by Johnny Brennan), loosely inspired by Brennan’s strict father and the real-life former Philadelphia mayor of the same name. Frank is abrasive, entitled, socially clueless, and prone to shouting insults like “liver lips” or “assneck.” He demands the impossible and signs off with threats like “I’ll be there tomorrow with my tools, fuckface!”
Frank Rizzo remains one of the most iconic prank-call characters in comedy history. He has starred in dozens of skits across multiple albums, appeared in the 1995 Jerky Boys feature film, and even returned for the group’s 2020 revival.
Why Fans Love Food & Drug Complaint – The Woke Version
It stays calm the entire time
Nobody argues, nobody hangs up, and that’s what makes it funny. The overly polite tone turns a simple complaint into slow-burn awkward comedy, just like the classic Jerky Boys prank calls.
Realistic customer service reactions
The employee keeps trying to help while the conversation keeps drifting further into unnecessary territory. Fans love hearing believable reactions instead of exaggerated acting.
Modern language, classic timing
Sustainability talk, healthy ingredients, and careful wording feel current, but the pacing feels straight out of the classic comedy album era. That contrast makes it work for both longtime listeners and new fans.
Awkward sincerity builds the laughs
Every respectful response makes the situation more ridiculous. The humor grows quietly instead of exploding, which is exactly the style that made the crank call legends replayable.
It feels like a conversation you’ve overheard before
Because it sounds so normal, listeners recognize the situation instantly, and the familiarity turns into the joke.
What Makes The Woke Versions Work
Polite Chaos
Everyone stays calm, which makes the absurdity stronger.
Modern Situations
Customer service language replaces old-school confusion but creates the same comedic tension.
True To The Style
The delivery matches the spirit of the original recordings without copying them.
The Jerky Boys Experience
From cassette recordings to modern updates and Jerky Boys merchandise, the appeal has always been authenticity. Conversations feel accidental, reactions feel real, and the humor lasts because it doesn’t depend on trends.
This call continues that tradition by proving that awkward politeness can be just as funny as chaos.