The Flower Lady #2

The Jerky Tapes (Album 6)

Title: The Flower Lady #2



The skit appears to revolve around a comically confusing and escalating phone conversation between Jack and Diane, involving a misunderstanding about a floral arrangement for Mr. Getzov’s wedding. The interaction begins with Diane calling for Mr. Getzov, mistaking Jack as the contact for the floral arrangement delivery. However, Jack, claiming to be Mr. Getzov’s partner and lover, is unaware of any wedding plans.

The conversation quickly devolves into a series of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Diane becomes increasingly frustrated due to the confusion regarding the centerpiece she prepared for the wedding. Jack, trying to explain Harry’s absence and unusual behavior, inadvertently complicates matters further by mentioning a supposed volcano and sacrificial offerings related to the floral arrangement.

The conversation becomes heated, with Diane accusing Jack of joking and intentionally misleading her, while Jack, seemingly bewildered, tries to make sense of the situation. The confusion escalates as Jack’s emotional responses, including crying, add a layer of absurdity to the interaction.

Amidst the chaos, a building super intervenes briefly, also misunderstanding Diane’s concerns. The conversation continues with Diane’s insistence on speaking to Mr. Getzov, but Jack’s attempts to explain only lead to more confusion and frustration for both parties.

Ultimately, the skit is a tangled mess of misinterpretations, mistaken identities, and escalating emotions, with neither party understanding the other, resulting in a spiraling and hilarious exchange.



0:00 Background noise..
0:02 Jack: “Yes?”

0:03 Diane: “Hi, this Diane [Inaudible 00:05]stein calling for Mr. Getzov please.”

0:07 Jack: “Who is this?”

0:09 Diane: “This is Diane [Inaudible 00:10]stein calling from [Inaudible 00:11] Floral Design.”

0:12 Jack: “Yes… umm…”

0:14 Diane: “Mr Getzov there please? I was supposed to call at 2 o’clock, but I thought…”

0:17 Jack: “Okay. Well, uh you… then you’re early and that’s not very nice.”

0:21 Diane: “No sir, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I… I thought…”

0:23 Jack: “Yeah, but you’re a little early and that is very presumptuous on your part.”

0:28 Diane: “Yeah. It’s not presumptuous. I’m calling. If he’s not there, I’ll call back at 2 o’clock.”

0:31 Jack: “Okay. Well, I… I don’t know.”

0:32 Diane: “I have a centerpiece he’d asked me to do.”

0:35 Jack: “Uh-huh. Okay.”

0:36 Diane: “I have… umm… I talked to him and I have [Inaudible 00:39] centerpiece and he had told me…”

0:42 Jack: “Well, can I ask you what is this centerpiece for?”

0:44 Diane: “It’s for the wedding. I had talked to Mr. Getz… who is this please?”

0:48 Jack: “My name is Jack. It’s for the wedding?”

0:49 Diane: “Jack, did I speak to you on Friday of last week?”

0:53 Jack: “No, you did not. It would have…”

0:54 Diane: “I think, you know, I think I did and if you’re fiddling with me again, I’m not… This is… this is so [Inaudible 00:59]. I talked to you.”

1:00 Jack: “Listen to me.”

1:00 Diane: “I spoke to… you don’t lie to me.”

1:02 Jack: “Who are you yelling at?”

1:02 Diane: “I… I’m yelling at you.”

1:04 Jack: “I’m… I’m Harry’s partner”

1:05 Diane: “You were supposed to know. You told… you’ve settled with me?”

1:08 Jack: “Hello.”

1:09 Diane: “Yes, hello.”

0:10 Jack: “Ma’am…”

1:10 Diane: “You’ve settled.”

1: 11 Jack: “Okay, if we can just calm down. I’m Harry’s partner. Nobody’s settling here and what wedding are you talking about?”

1:17 Diane: “I am calling about Mr. Getzov’s wedding. I asked to speak to him…”

1:22 Jack: “Well, don’t…”

1:22 Diane: “…or the fiancee.”

1:23 Jack: “Well, don’t you think I would know about his wedding? I’m his partner. I mean, what’s the story?”

1:27 Diane: “I don’t know if he’s got a partner. I spoke to the fiancée.”

1:32 Jack: “His fiancée. I’m his partner. I’m his lover.”

1:34 Diane: “I don’t want to know. You… you [Inaudible 01:36] with this. You and the other fellow on Friday…”

1:40 Jack: “Ma’am!”

1:41 Diane: “You are telling this again and I don’t want to [Inaudible 01:43] I talked to you. Do you know I lost a customer on Friday because of you?

1:48 Jack: “Uh, I… I…”

1:49 Diane: “[Inaudible 01:49] whoever that other fellow on the phone was. You think this is funny?”

1:53 Jack: “Do…”

1:53 Diane: “How can you tell me that you’re his partner? I know for a fact that Mr. Getzov has a fiancée.”

1:58 Jack: “Well then it’s something that I don’t know here. This is a surprise to me. I’m his partner. I’m his lover for three years now.”

2:04 Diane: “You don’t joke with me. Put Mr. Getzov on the phone. I don’t find this funny.”

2:08 Jack: “Listen…”

2:08 Diane: “You didn’t tell me on Friday when I speak to you that you have a centerpiece and you cut out a piece of wood in the middle of the floor. That’s not funny.”

2:14 Jack: “Miss, listen to me.”

2:16 Diane: “I had the [Inaudible 02:16]. I had everything for him and you’re joking with me. It is not funny.”

2:21 Jack: “Nobody’s joking here. Harry Getzov…”

2:22 Diane: [Inaudible 02:22].”

2:23 Voice in the background: “He’s joking with me [Inaudible 02:24].”

2:27 Jack: “Hello.”

2:30 Diane: “Is this Jack?”

2:31 Jack: “Yes, this is Jack.”

2:32 Diane: “Jack, I need to speak to Mr. Getzov now, okay, not you Jack.”

2:36 Jack: “Okay. Listen to me. Mr. Getzov just went out to buy a bottle of schmaltz and he’ll be back in a… in a moment. You can speak to him. He cut a hole in…”

2:43 Diane: “You’re using words like… you’re using words like schmaltz. You think I don’t know what to [Inaudible 02:47] with the word schmaltz. Think I don’t know that that’s a joke?”

2:50 Jack: “Ma’am, he loves schmaltz. Is there something wrong with that?”

2:52 Diane: “You don’t buy a bottle of schmaltz. Don’t say [Inaudible 02:54] thing again with…”

2:55 Jack: “Harry makes his own schmaltz, but he went out to buy it from a friend. Harry makes perhaps the best schmaltz I’ve ever had. Listen to me. He cut a hole in the floor and he’s building a volcano, okay. ”

3:05 Diane: “You listen to me. Okay, I’d talked to Mr. Getzov. We had an agreement. I said I was going to get to him a centerpiece, okay, not for the floor, for the table, for the reception and for the ceremony and for the cocktail hour, okay.”

3:17 Jack: “Okay.”

3:18 Diane: “[Inaudible 03:18] and I don’t find it funny.”

3:20 Jack: “Harry is an artist and you obviously don’t know that. He…”

3:24 Diane: “Excuse me. I am artist. This is my business, okay. I have flowers, beautiful flowers. I’ve had a centerpiece in the fridge. It’s going to wilt and you are not being funny.”

3:33 Jack: “Nobody’s trying to be funny, ma’am.”

3:35 Diane: “You told me Getzov’s out for a bottle of schmaltz. You [Inaudible 03:38] with me like that.”

3:39 Jack: “You know, I just don’t believe the way you’re yelling at me. I don’t… I don’t need this.”

3:41 Diane: “I am very angry with you. You did this [Inaudible 03:43] on Friday to me. Do you think I don’t understand that?”

3:47 Jack: “Listen, I’m his partner. I live here. What would you like me to do? I mean, I don’t understand.”

3:52 Diane: “Let me speak to the fiancée. Where… where is she? I want to know.”

3:55 Jack: ‘And furthermore, I think that…”

3:56 Diane: “I don’t like… I don’t like you people, you and this other one.”

3:59 Jack: “I think…”

3:59 Diane: “I don’t want to deal with you? I want to speak to the fiancée.”

4:01 Jack: “I don’t know why you call…”

4:02 Diane: “And I don’t understand quite frankly why I couldn’t speak to the fiancée directly? I find that very suspicious.”

4:07 Jack: “Well, in…”

4:07 Jack: “[Inaudible 04:07] doesn’t usually do the flowers.”

4:09 Jack: “Okay. Well, in order to speak to his fiancée…”

4:11 Diane: “She… he had said that she has bridesmaids [Inaudible 04:14].”

4:15 Jack: “Well, this is a real surprise.”

4:16 Diane: “And I should know this.”

4:18 Jack: “This is a surprise to me because he is a roommate here and I don’t know where he gets off calling her his bride-to-be. We have been lovers since three years and I don’t know what he’s doing?”

4:26 Diane: “[Inaudible 04:26].”

4:27 Jack: “This is ridiculous.”

4:28 Diane: “…the situation…”

4:28 Jack: “This is ri…”

4:29 Diane: “… the living situation. You people are giving me a hard time.”

4:33 Jack: “Okay, listen.”

4:34 Diane: “And I want to speak to Mr. Getzov now, okay. I… if it means calling back at two…”

4:37 Jack: “I will have him call you.”

4:39 Diane: “… if it means calling back at two, I will do that and [Inaudible 04:42]…”

4:41 Jack: “I… I have a good mind to slap you across your face.”

4:44 Diane: “What did you expect me to do with this?”

4:47 Jack: “It’s just the way you’re screaming at me, I could slap you silly.”

4:49 Diane: “Yes, I am screaming at you because you did this to me on Friday. I was so disappointed. Now, I have to be [Inaudible 04:53] careful of the crossed wires and you’re doing it again.”

4:56 Jack: “I mean just… I mean just the yelling and stuff. I’ve never heard anything like it. I have good mind to just lick you down. It’s crazy!”

5:03 Diane: “Oh, you’re threatening me now?”

5:04 Jack: “Oh!”

5:04 Diane: “Jack, I have a business, okay, but I’m telling you don’t understand that because every time I call, you’re at home.”

5:09 Jack: “But why are you yelling at me?”

5:09 Diane: “I don’t understand why you’re at home first of all [Inaudible 05:11].”

5:11 Jack: “Because Harry pays for me to stay home. I don’t have to work. I’m his lover.”

5:15 Diane: “And you know what? Harry is going to pay for me to do the wedding and if you people don’t stop, I am not going to do the wedding. I need to get the fiancée’s number now.”

5:22 Jack: “Harry fell asleep last night drunk and he fell behind the bed. Do you want any more? I mean, is that what you want, our heart and soul? He fell asleep drunk behind the bed. He’s getting married.”

5:32 Diane: “[Inaudible 05:32] nonsense with me.”

5:35 Jack: “He’s…”

5:35 Diane: “Please stop this.”

5:36 Jack: “He’s getting married, he said. He’s breaking my heart.”

5:41 Diane: “You don’t understand. [Inaudible 05:42].”

5:43 Jack: “Hold on.”

5:45 Background noise

5:51 Yells and screams in the background

5:57 Building Super: “Hello. Hello.”

5:59 Diane: “Hello.”

6:00 Building Super: “Yes, I believe I spoke to you…”

6:03 Diane: “[Inaudible 06:03] now I know that you [Inaudible 06:04] people… you are doing this. Whoa! Okay…”

6:07 Building Super: “What…what…?”

6:08 Diane: “I did speak to you on Friday, you mister with the accent. I spoke to you.”

6:12 Building Super: “Yes. Uh, what is the problem?”

6:12 Diane: “[Inaudible 06:12] and with the centerpiece, with the wood.”

6:15 Building Super: “Yes.”

6:15 Diane: “You think I don’t catch on to the silliness?”

6:18 Building Super: “Whatever… what are you…”

6:18 Diane: “You silly fool.”

6:20 Building Super: “What is… what is she talking about? She is cursing me, yelling me.”

6:24 Diane: “I am yelling to you. That’s right because do you know that I lost a customer on Friday because of your [Inaudible 06:30].”

6:31 Building Super: “What happened to you with the customer?”

6:32 Diane: “[Inaudible 06:32]… let me get Jack back on the phone because I really want the number of the fiancée.”

6:35 Building Super: “[Inaudible 06:35]… you want to speak to Jack?”

6:38 Diane: “[Inaudible 06:38]. I don’t want to speak to any of you. I want the number…”

6:40 Building Super: “You want to speak to Jack?”

6:42 Diane: “I want the number of the fiancée.”

6:43 Building Super: “If you want to speak to Jack…”

6:45 Diane: “[Inaudible 06:45].”

6:45 Building Super: “…you must speak to Mr. Scott.”

6:48 Diane: “No! You did this to me on Friday. I don’t want to speak to Scott and you know what? I don’t have time for this.”

6:55 Building Super: “With the… with the volcano… I’m fixing the volcano.”

6:58 Diane: “I am very angry right now.”

7:00 Building Super: ‘I’m an artist.”

7:00 Diane: “You listen to me.”

7:01 Building Super: “I’m an artist. I’m fixing volcano.”

7:02 Diane: “[Inaudible 07:02].”

7:04 Building Super: “It’s going to go…”

7:05 Diane: “[Inaudible 07:05]… not going to happen again anymore.”

7:07 Building Super: “It’s going through a rock explosion. I’m… I… I… the volcano exploded and it… it got a piece of my ass, legs, everything.”

7:17 Diane: “You’re doing it again… you put Jack back on the phone right now.”

7:19 Building Super: “You… okay.”

7:20 Diane: “Right now.”

7:21 Building Super: “Okay, but in order to speak to Jack…”

7:23 Diane: “I’m going to put my husband on the phone.”

7:24 Building Super: “…you must speak…”

7:25 Diane: “Do you know that [Inaudible 07:26].”

7:26 Building Super: “…Mr. Scott.”

7:26 Diane: “…[Inaudible 07:26]. I am going to put my husband on the phone if you don’t stop.”

7:30 Building Super: “Okay, if you want to put your husband on the phone…”

7:31 Diane: “[Inaudible 07:31], but now I have to make my customer [Inaudible 07:33] please.”

7:36 Background noise

7:45 Diane: “Hello.”

7:46 Jack: “Hello. Hello.”

7:48 Diane: “Is this Jack?”

7:49 Jack: “Hi.”

7:49 Diane: “Jack, you stop this now. Give me the number of the fiancée.”

7:53 Jack: “I… I don’t… listen, I don’t know her work number and I wish you’d stop calling her the fiancée. I love him.”

7:59 Diane: “What am I supposed to call her?”

8:01 Jack: “She’s a roommate and if he’s getting married behind my back, I…”

8:04 Diane: “Listen to me. I’m not getting involved with whatever is going on at that apartment.”

8:08 Jack: “…I will slap him silly. I [Inaudible 08:10]…”

8:10 Diane: “Do what you want. I… look, I have a centerpiece. I’ve had it since Friday. I told you that. You’ve joked with this thing in the middle of the room. It’s not funny and then you put your friend on the phone. He doesn’t even speak English. He doesn’t even understand what I’m saying to him.”

8:24 Jack: “He’s the super of the building.’

8:25 Diane: “I don’t care if he’s the super. I don’t need to speak to the super.”

8:28 Jack: “[Inaudible 08:28].”

8:29 Diane: “What does that have to do with my flowers?”

8:30 Jack: “Well, in a roundabout way I guess…”

8:32 Diane; “What does that have to do with the fact that I lost a customer because of you.”

8:35 Jack: “In a roundabout way I guess it has something to do with it because they said they’re building a volcano for you and your flowers and it’s something to do with [Inaudible 08:42].”

8:42 Diane: “Listen to me Jack.

8:43 Jack: “Listen to me please.”

8:44 Diane: “[Inaudible 08:44]… you don’t know.”

8:44 Jack: “Will you listen to me?”

8:45 Diane: “[Inaudible 08:45]…”

8:47 Jack: “Listen to me.”

8:48 Diane: “[Inaudible 08:48]”

8:48 Jack: “He said… the super said they’re cutting a big hole on the floor. They’ve already made a volcano and that when you come in with the flowers, Harry is supposed to shove you into the volcano. This is how I understand it.”

8:57 Diane: “This is not funny.”

8:59 Jack: “Hello.”

9:00 Diane: “You know you’re talking now and you give me the number of the fiancée.”

9:04 Jack: “Ma’am, there is no joke here. According to Harry…”

9:07 Diane: “This is not funny.”

9:07 Jack: “According…”

9:08 Diane: “A volcano, this is silliness! You are silly.”

9:11 Jack: “Ma’am, accord…”

9:11 Diane: “I am very angry.”

9:13 Jack: “According to Harry, you were going to come in with the floral arrangement…”

9:16 Diane: “According to Harry, nothing!”

9:17 Jack: “Okay, please listen. With the floral arrangement and partial ownership of a deli with your husband and they were going to shove you into the volcano. That’s all I know.”

9:25 Diane: “What deli? What are you talking about with the deli?”

9:28 Jack: “The Second Avenue deli, the Star Deli or something?”

9:30 Diane: “I have nothing to do. I have no association. Neither does my husband.”

9:34 Jack: “Okay. Well, then okay… then he’s mistaken.”

9:37 Diane: “Jack, do you understand what is going on? I don’t think you understand the severity.”

9:40 Jack: “Well then, you’re yelling at me. I don’t understand.”

9:42 Diane: “I am yelling at you because that’s how you [Inaudible 09:43].”

9:43 Jack: “He worked his ass off.”

9:44 Diane: “Even on Friday, you put me through this and now you’re doing it again…”

9:47 Jack: “Listen.”

9:48 Diane: “…and I was told [Inaudible 09:48] that this was nothing.”

9:50 Jack: “Listen, Harry worked his ass off to prepare this volcano for you. He worked so hard on it.”

9:56 Diane: “You know, you don’t have to do this. This is not funny.”

9:58 Jack: “Ma’am!”

9:59 Diane: “Never discuss the volcano. That is not funny.”

10:01 Jack: “He said that you asked him to put a volcano in the center of the room. That’s all I know and you were going to make sacrificial… uh… things, offerings.”

10:10 Diane: “Do I need to call back at 2 o’clock? Will Harry pick up the phone at 2 o’clock?”

10:13 Jack: “Okay, I… well, if you want to try at 2 o’clock, he went out to get some salves and balms and ligaments.”

10:19 Diane: “Okay, you’re joking with me.”

10:19 Jack: “No, I’m…”

10:20 Diane: “First you tell me it’s the other. Now you tell me… where is he?”

10:23 Jack: “He’ll be back in a little while.”

10:24 Diane: “At 2 o’clock… I said I will call back at 2 o’clock.”

10:27 Jack: “Okay and we’ll try to get… I’m sorry for the confusion.”

10:29 Diane: “What time is it now?”

10:30 Jack: “It’s approximately 2 o’clock.”

10:32 Diane: “No, what time is it now?”

10:33 Jack: It’s about 2 o’clock.”

10:34 Diane: “But then I’ll call you now.”

10:36 Jack: “Pardon me?”

10:37 Diane: “If it’s 2 o’clock, then I’ll call you now… [Inaudible 10:39].”

10:38 Jack: “Okay or you can call a little later, whatever you wish.”

10:40 Diane: “[Inaudible 10:40] please.”

10:43 Background noise

10:51 Diane: [Inaudible 10:51] approximately at 2 o’clock when they know that I am supposed to call at 12.30.”

10:55 Jack: “Okay, is your husband there or something I can speak to?”

10:59 Diane: “You’re not speaking to my husband.”

11:00 Jack: “Because you’re yelling at me like crazy.”

11:02 Diane: “Oh, you think I’m yelling. If I put my husband on the phone, then you’re going to hear some yelling.”

11:05 Jack: “But why are you angry with us?”

11:07 Diane: “I am angry because you know that you fooled around with me on Friday…”

11:11 Jack: “What did we [Inaudible 11:12]?”

11:11 Diane: “…and you’re doing it again. I spoke to this woman. I set up a time to call and you people are… I am so angry right now.”

11:18 Jack: “If I find out that that bitch Harry is cheating on me, I will break his leg. That’s…”

11:21 Diane: “You find out what you need to find out. I’m calling you back and if I don’t speak to Getzov at 2 o’clock, this is [Inaudible 11:27], done, over.”

11:28 Jack: “Oh my God! Oh! Why are you yelling at me like that?”

11:32 Diane: “I am yelling at you because you are giving me the wrong answer.”

11:35 Jack: “What have I ever done to you?”

11:37 Jack cries

11:39 Diane: “Don’t cry with me. Don’t joke.”

11:40 Jack: “I… But I’ve never done anything to you.”

11:42 Diane: “You’re doing something to me [Inaudible 11:43] on Friday.”

11:44 Jack cries.

11:45 Jack: “You’re yelling at me right on my [Inaudible 11:46].”

11:46 Diane: “[Inaudible 11:46]. Put me on [Inaudible 11:48].”

11:49 Jack: “You’re… you’re yelling at me like I’m a [Inaudible 11:50].”

11:50 Diane: “You told me to call you back at 2 o’clock and I’m calling for Getzov.”

11:53: Jack: “You’re yelling at me as if I were [background noise]…”

11:57 Jack: “Hello… testing one, two.”

12:02 Phone number being dialed

12:08 Phone rings.