What’s Wrong with this World?

The Jerky Tapes (Album 6)

Title: What’s Wrong with this World?

Characters:

Summary:

Transcript:

 

0:00 Background noise..
0:04 Voice speaking in the background..

0:06 Voice : “Hello.”

0:07 Voice 2: “Yeah. Called about that [Inaudible 00:08] request.”

0:10 Voice 1: “Hello!”

0:11 Voice 2: “Hello.”

0:12 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

0:14 Voice 2: “Did you hear me?”

0:15 Voice 1: “Yeah, what about it?”

0:16 Voice 2: “And you’re… you’re selling right?”

0:18 Voice 1: “Yeah, I’m sellin’ the whole goddamn kit and caboodle.”

0:21 Voice 2: “Heh-heh-heh. I don’t want to know your problems. What are you selling?”

0:23 Voice 1: “I’m sellin’ the fuckin’ garden tools.”

0:26 Voice 2: “How long [Inaudible 00:27] fucking with the garden tools?”

0:28 Voice 1: “Eh, they’ve been around for years Charlie.”

0:31 Voice 2: “They’ve been around for years?”

0:32 Voice 1: “Yeah, but I got some good shit too.”

0:34 Voice 2: “Huh, [Inaudible 00:34]… how many tons is that log splitter?”

0:37 Voice 1: “Fifty tons.”

0:39 Voice 2: “How old is it?”

0:40 Voice 1: “Nah, it’s not that old. It’s about what… eight years old, split more than fuckin’ logs and everythin’, let me tell you.”

0:46 Voice 2: “So what do you want for it?”

0:47 Voice 1: “I split the old lady’s ass in that fuckin’ thing.”

0:49 Voice 2: “I don’t have an old lady to split. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!”

0:53 Voice 1: “Well, what’s the matter? You ain’t married?”

0:55 Voice 2: “Sure, I’m married.”

0:56 Voice 1: “Where are you? You split the old broad’s ass in the log splitter.”

0:58 Voice 2: “Yeah because she lives there. I live here.”

1:00 Voice 1: “You keep her in line, you know.”

1:02 Voice 2: “Yeah. No, I…”

1:03 Voice 1: “You put her legs in that fuckin’ thing. You crush ’em up a bit. She won’t open that mouth too much.”

1:07 Voice 2: “Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Uh, what do you want for it?”

1:09 Voice 1: “Uh, whatever you got. You got a couple of nickels you rub together. You give me any fuckin’ thing. Give me a bottle of hooch. I’ll take that.”

1:15 Voice 2: “For what?”

1:16 Voice 1: “This fuckin’ log splitter’s got a lot of fuckin’ bad blood on it. Now, I want it off my hands.”

1:20 Voice 2: “Hold on a second.”

1:21 Voice 1: “Go ahead.”

1:22 Voice 2: “Where… where are you located?”

1:23 Voice 1: “What did you want… to shut off the TV?”

1:24 Voice 2: “Yeah, hold on.”

1:25 Voice 1: “They got fuckin’ stones in dat thing.”

1:34 Voice 2: “Yeah, you where, in Middletown?”

1:35 Voice 1: “Yeah, my fuckin’… my kid there, he tried to pull the boiler out of that house with that fuckin’ log splitter.”

1:41 Voice 2: “He… why was he doing… what the hell is…”

1:42 Voice 1: “Yeah, he caused… he caused me a whole fuckin’ shit load of problems with that log splitter, this bastard. He’s got it hooked up to the boiler and he pulled the fuckin’ boiler out through the basement window with that fuckin’ thing.”

1:51 Voice 2: “[Inaudible 01:51]?”

1:52 Voice 1: “Yeah, that log splitter.”

1:54 Voice 2: “God! Where do you log split? [Inaudible 01:55].”

1:57 Voice: “Yeah, I know, but the fuckin’ crazy prick! He hooked it up to my pickup truck and he fuckin’ yanked the boiler out through the fuckin’ basement window. Ripped out half the side of my fuckin’wall!”

2:08 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

2:09 Voice 1: “Yeah, I don’t need that shit with these crazy kids, you know. That’s why I’m getting’ rid of that fuckin’ thing.”

2:12 Voice 2: “Wait… why… you are in Middletown. Where do you live? Is it Exit 17?”

2:16 Voice 1: “Yeah, you get of whatever exit you want. It’s all the same shit to me. I don’t care where you get off.”

2:20 Voice 2: “Well… you got to come out and get [Inaudible 02:22]. I’m in the Bronx.”

2:23 Voice 1: “Oh, come on. Me and you! Come on. We get up there. We swing some fuckin’ maxes in the woods. We’ll take down some trees.”

2:30 Voice 2: “Heh-heh! Take down some trees, for what?”

2:32 Voice 1: “This way you can split them in that thing, the log splitter there. You want see how they burn, how they fuckin’ split. You know, you bring the fuckin’… uh, you bring the family up, the pets there for the weekend. You have a good time at the place.”

2:44 Voice 2: “Who… [Inaudible 02:45].”

2:46 Voice 1: “Well, I’m going to fuckin’ burn the joint down tomorrow night anyways, so you got to get the fuck up there quick.”

2:51 Voice 2: “How much you want for this junk?”

2:52 Voice 1: “Uh… I’m fuckin’ sellin’ it cheap.”

2:54 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

2:55 Voice 1: “Yeah, I’m goin’ to try to get that old bastard while she’s asleep. Fuckin’ bring the place down!

3:00 Voice 2: “Yeah, [Inaudible 03:01].”

3:02 Voice 1: “Yeah, about what… 55, 58 I go.”

3:05 Voice 2: “Fifty-five?”

3:06 Voice 1: “Yeah, about that. I don’t keep collectin’ those things no more, you know.”

3:09 Voice 2: “Yeah?”

3:10 Voice 1: “Fuckin’ bottle loosened up my fuckin’ [Inaudible 03:11].”

3:12 Voice 2: “Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.”

3:13 Voice 1: “Anyway, look there. You know what it is? I got the… the whole fuckin’ lot of them are giving me fuckin’ problems, you know. I want to get rid of that damn thing.”

3:21 Voice 2: “Well… What kind of lawn mower have you got?”

3:25 Voice 1: “Uhh!”

3:25 Voice 2: “[Inaudible 03:25] model or push model?”

3:26 Voice 1: “Well, actually it’s fucking big ridin’ them all, but you won’t be able decipher it anyway. You won’t be able to even fuckin’ make it out. I crushed that fuckin’ thing in the log splitter.”

3:35 Voice 2: “You crushed that thing in the log splitter?”

3:37 Voice 1: “Yeah, I put the lawn mower in the log splitter.”

3:40 Voice 2: “You put it in the log… what the hell did you put that in… [Inaudible 03:42].”

3:43 Voice 1: “Eh, you know one day my God just fuckin’ furious with the old woman, you know. She’s yellin’…, “Yeah, yeah do this. Do that. Don’t do that motherfucker. Elon, you son of a bitch!” She’s screamin’ this shit, so I took that fuckin’ mower and I smashed that fuckin’ thing in the log splitter. Oh, Christ! Now, I think I get so angry I want to choke my fuckin’ balls off. Right now I’m getting’ angry.”

4:05 Voice 2: “Where you on, route 17?”

4:06 Voice 1: “Oh, fucker… we are on 17, 18… I don’t give a fuck… whichever you want there.”

4:11 Voice 2: “Uh, I want to know how to get there. You got to tell me what road to take.”

4:14 Voice 1: “Uh, Christ! What do you want? What do you mean? What roads?”

4:18 Voice 2: “[Inaudible 04:18].’

4:20 Voice 1: “Oh, you take the throughway. I don’t know. That fuckin’ thing goes up by this statue and that was all I know. I don’t give a fuck. Well, [Inaudible 04:27] it goes up that way, right?

4:30 Voice 2: “Yeah. Are you off 17… 17?”

4:32 Voice 1: “Yeah, I’m off 17, yeah. You go out of your Middletown where you get Butthead Middletown Motel.”

4:37 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

4:37 Voice 1: “Yeah, that brings me up a [Inaudible 04:39] of fuck the ass off some broad in that hotel one night. Holy jeez! We had a good time. They got the nice hot tubs there. You’re fuckin’… oh!”

4:46 Voice 2: “The log splitter, is it falling apart?”

4:48 Voice 1: “Nah, it aint fallin’ apart. It crushed that fuckin’ lawn mower like nobody’s business.”

4:52 Voice 2: “Hey listen, I want… how many horses is that log splitter?”

4:55 Voice 1: “Horses.. it’s tons.”

4:57 Voice 2: “Huh?”

4:58 Voice 1: “Tons, baby, tons, not horses, that’s a fifty-ton bastard.”

5:02 Voice 2: “Horsepower on the engine… how many…?”

5:04 Voice 1: “Uh, jeez. That son of a bitch gonna be up around ten.”

5:07 Voice 2: “Ten horsepower?”

5:08 Voice 1: “Yeah, easy.”

5:10 Voice 2: “What make you [Inaudible 05:10] on it?”

5:12 Voice 1: “The only reason I know it’s about ten, I was working on that fucker. Next thing I know the flywheel ripped the fuckin’ pants, belt, underwears right off me. I stood too close to that fuckin’ thing. Next thing you hear ‘Boom’! My fuckin’ pants and everything was [Inaudible 05:25] off me in front of the fuckin’ family. I felt like a damn jackass.”

5:29 Voice 2: “You got a trailer in all that too?”

5:30 Voice 1: “Why do you want the trailer? I’ll give you the fuckin’ trailer. You take that sonofabitchin’ thing.”

5:34 Voice 2: “You got a trailer?”

5:35 Voice 1: “Whatever you want… you want the fuckin’ trailer?”

5:37 Voice 2: “You got it?”

5:38 Voice 1: “You got it. You got it.”

5:39 Voice 2: “How big is it?”

5:40 Voice 1: “Eh… I don’t know, big enough to tow whatever the fuck you got, an old car or somethin’?”

5:44 Voice 2: “I got a truck.”

5:45 Voice 1: “Well, you want to tow a couple of cows on the fuckin’ thing, it’s big enough for that too, couple of horses, whatever you got.”

5:52 Voice 2: Clears throat… “Uh, listen.”

5:54 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

5:55 Voice 2: “How do you… 17, now where… what… [Inaudible 05:56]?”

5:57 Glass breaking in the background

5:59 Voice 1: “These fuckin’ cheesy sonofabitchin’ bastards. What’s that?”

6:03 Voice 2: “[Inaudible 06:03] go, 17 north, south?”

6:04 Voice 1: “Yeah, you take north, south… I don’t know where the fuck you’re comin’ from, you know? These fuckin’ kids just threw a fuckin’ stone through my window. That sons of bitches!”

6:14 Voice 2: “Hey listen.”

6:14 Voice 1: “Yeah, what’s up?”

6:16 Voice 2: “Heh-heh-heh-heh! Uh -huh… just tell me… give me the add…”

6:20 Voice 1: “Yeah, I got these fuckin’ punks now that just threw a fuckin’ stone through my window.”

6:24 Voice 2: “Well, you [Inaudible 06:24] along with your neighbors?”

6:25 Voice 1: “Sons of bitch!”

6:27 Voice 2: “Hey! Do you know any… anybody up there?”

6:29 Voice 1: “Yeah, what the fuck they did yesterday. I was there and I fuckin’ went there and I’m fu… you know, I’m throwing a fuckin’ rubdown on myself in front of the window where these kids threw a fuckin’ rock. It hit me right in the fuckin’ cock.”

6:39 Voice 2: “Hey, listen. You know a guy up there by the name of Chuck?”

6:41 Voice 1: Yeah, Chuck. Me and Chuck go way back. That scumbag! What did he do to you?”

6:45 Voice 2: “You know Chuck?”

6:46 Voice 1: “Yeah. He’s got the brother there.”

6:49 Voice 2: “His what?”

6:49 Voice 1: “Joey is his brother.”

6:51 Voice 2: “His brother?”

6:51 Voice 1: “Yeah, his brother owns the pizza shop there in the town.”

6:55 Voice 2: “Uh, we got the wrong guy.”

6:56 Voice 1: “Uhh! Fuck it. Sounds like the right guy anyway. Yeah, these fuckers. They threw a rock through the goddamn window. It hit me in the fuckin’ nuts last night.”

7:03 Voice 2: “Hey listen.”

7:04 Voice 1: Yeah, go ahead.”

7:05 Voice 2: “Give me the address where you live.”

7:06 Voice 1: “It’s off that road there in Middletown right up that 211 there.”

7:10 Voice 2: “Are you at… you’re off [Inaudible 07:11]…”

7:11 Voice 1: “Yeah. That’s right. You know where that international golf is?”

7:15 Voice 2: “Yeah, but you [Crosstalk 07:16].”

7:16 Voice 1: “Uh… you’ll find it. You get off 211. You head to the Middletown Motel.”

7:21 Voice 2: “Okay, yeah.”

7:22 Voice 1: “That’s right. You make a fuckin’ left right after you pass that. You see International Golf and I’m the first house right after the right there.”

7:28 Voice 2: “What’s the number of the house?”

7:29 Voice 1: “Eh, it’s fuckin’ number 11… first house on the right.”

7:31 Voice 2: “Number 11?”

7:32 Voice 1: “Yeah. You come down and take the load of shit whenever you want.”

7:36 Voice 2: “What you got…a [Inaudible 07:37]… a box number there?”

7:39 Voice 1: Screaming… “[Inaudible 07:39] you son of a bitch. If I come out, I’ll shoot you. You cocks! You motherfuckers!!!

7:45 Voice 2: “Holy shit!’

7:46 Voice 1: “Hold on you scumbags. Yeah, fuck! Go ahead. Joey!”

7:54 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

7:54 Voice 1: “Go ahead. What you got there?”

7:56 Voice 2: “Huh?”

7:57 Voice 1: “These fuckin’ kids. You know that son of a bitch.”

8:00 Voice 2: “You there over the weekend?”

8:02 Voice 1: “Yeah, I’ll be here all fuckin’… I got nowhere else to go. I got all the hooch I need. I’m ready to fuckin’ kick back and have a blast. A guy can’t even give himself a rubdown in a window anymore because of some fuckers throwing rocks and hittin’ me in the cocks and the balls with that shit. You know, there ain’t no more decency in this world.”

8:19 Voice 2: “Is this… listen to me.”

8:20 Voice 1: “There ain’t no more… da…  I am trying to masturbate there, have a good time by myself. There’s nobody with no decency no more. They fired shit through my window and hit me in the fuckin’ cocks. What the fuck kind of place is this anyway we live in?”

8:33 Voice 2: “Hey listen.

8:34 Voice 1: “Go ahead.”

8:35 Voice 2: “How big is that trailer?”

8:36 Voice 1: “Oh… for Chrissake! I’ll tell you. You put a truck on the fuckin’ thing, a couple of cows. I don’t know. I go by the size of the cows and horses. It don’t… it’s all the same shit to me.”

8:43 Voice 2: “What is it? Is it a custom-made trailer?”

8:46 Voice 1: “Hey, it’s one of them shit. They carried the race cars on the fuckin’ thing. What do I know… the yellow speed cars there. They race them around at Middletown track. Bunch of tough guys! They think they are all fuckin’ cute racin’ in circles, you know.”

8:59 Voice 2: “Listen.”

8:59 Voice 1: “Just come by. Look, you want to take a look at the shit, you come by, you take what the fuck you want outta here. Just bring me a couple of bottles of hooch.”

9:05 Voice 2: “[Inaudible 09:05] the cash.”

9:08 Voice 1: “Uh, whatever! You bring some hooch down with you too. I don’t give a fuck.”

9:11 Voice 2: “I don’t drink.”

9:12 Voice 1: “Alright. Well, you bring it down for me. I’ll have a few on you. How’s that?”

9:15 Voice 2: “Okay. What do you want, booze, beer [Inaudible 09:17]?”

9:18 Uh, whatever! You bring me a fuckin’ couple of cases of that Jack Daniels. I don’t give a fuck. You take anythin’ outta here. Got a couple of cows out back. You take those fuckin’ dilapidated pricks with you too.”

9:27 Voice 2: “Dilapidated pricks!”

9:29 Voice 1: “Yeah, yeah. They’re all fuckin’ old. They’re old cock-suckin’ cows. They don’t do shit for me no more. They’re an eyesore.  You take them outta here on the fuckin’ trailer, drop them down the road. I don’t give a fuck. Give them some road rash.”

9:39 Voice 2: “Give me the house number.”

9:40 Voice 1: “I gotta… I gotta get out and straighten these motherfuckers out there now.”

9:43 Voice 2: “Hey, listen to me.”

9:44 Voice 1: Alright, go ahead. I told you the house number, so what?”

9:46 Voice 2: “Give me the [Inaudible 09:47] in case I get lost.”

9:49 Voice 1: “That’s private there. I got guys like you, crazy bastards, tryin’ to call me and give me the business.”

9:53 Voice 2: “Uh, okay.”

9:54 Voice 1: “Alright?”

9:55 Voice 2: “Uhh! Alright”

9:58 Voice 1: “Alright. We’ll talk later [Inaudible 09:59].”

9:59 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

 

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