Silverman, Baby!!

The Jerky Tapes (Album 6)

Title: Silverman, Baby!!

Characters:

Summary:

Transcript:

 

0:12 Phone rings..

0:14 “Hello.”

0:15 “Hello. This is Frank Rizzo.”

0:17 Phone rings..
0:18 “Hello.”

0:19 “Hello. My name is Sol Rosenberg.”

0:22 Phone rings..
0:23 “Hello.”

0:24 “No, no, no… not Sal. My name is Sol.”

0:27 “Tough guy!”

0:28 “Sure, I do.”

0:30 “I don’t even know you.”

0:32 “Yes, I do.”

0:33 “Frank Rizzo. How you doin’ fruitcake?”

0:35 “Alright. Listen, I’ll you what I’ll do. I’ll come down with my tools tomorrow. I start work tomorrow.”

 

Hey, this is Johnny Brennan, creator of The Jerky Boys, aka Frank Rizzo, Sol Rosenberg, Jack Tors, Pico, Sammy Cox, Rosine, the Puerto Rican transvestite and Big Ole Badass Bob, the Cattle Rustler just to name a few.

This weekly Jerky Boys Show is going to be really awesome because for the first time ever, it gives me a platform to deal directly with the millions of Jerky Boys fans and their interests or questions that they may have for me. It’s perfect timing because these days with the Internet being so huge, Jerky Boys routines are everywhere. I get slammed by people on the street or through thousands of emails of fans who have been there from the beginning and always have wanted to get a peek behind the curtain and see how each of these insane Jerky Boys bits come about.

People love to know where each of the characters came from, how they developed.

For example, Sol. Sol’s the combination of my mother and my World War II Veteran Uncle Vinnie. But there’s a whole lot more to it than just that and that’s the kind of stuff that we’ll get into in upcoming shows and whatnot.

That’s why I’m encouraging all Jerky Boys fans, all the new, to participate with me on this show with questions, pranks and even get me some family or friends as victims that I can pull one of my characters on and give them the business. Then we’ll play it on the show and make a real ass out of them, those whacky little fuckers. I’ll also be playing a classic Jerky Boys routine every week and answering questions about whatever slaps you upside the fucking head or tickles your little fancy.

This week’s clip is a Jerky Boys Classic called Silverman, Baby. What I did was put out an ad in several major publications as a top sports agent, whatever the hell that means. I put in the ad that I could have you inside the cockpit of a NASCAR or IndyCar in less than a week or if you played baseball, it was the Major League. No problem! You would be on your favorite team in a couple of days. Football… whatever! You get the idea. Needless to say, I was swamped with incoming calls.

This cut went on to become an instant favorite. It’s about a young guy who calls and he’s amazed that I’ll be putting him on his all time favorite team roster, the New York Yankees. Listen when the kid gets all excited that he might, you know, get to meet Derek Jeter or even be on the same team as Jeter. I even discussed his monstrous salary with him. Anyway, just give it a good listen. Alright there!

 

2:59 Beeping sound..
3:00 Silverman: “Hello.”

3:01 Chris: “How you doin’? I see you guys’ ad in the Rolls Royce. Umm… are you guys offering top level positions in baseball?”

3:06 Silverman: “But first of all, you do me a favor. Shut those fuckin’ bastards up behin’ you.”

3:10 Chris: “Oh! I’m… I’m now at work right now. My bosses are all callin’ ’cos this job is piece of shit job an’ I’m lookin’ for real… for real work.”

3:16 Silverman: “Yeah, real work like in the Major Leagues.”

3:19 Chris: “Not… I don’t know if I’m ready for the Major Leagues, but I’m definitely ready for the Minor Leagues.

3:23 Silverman: “No, no, no…we don’t do Minor leagues son. I’m a… I’m a top agent. My agent is Silverman.

3:27 Yelling in the background

3:27 Silverman: “Shut that motherfucker up so I can hear you.”

3:30 Yelling in the background

3:30 Chris: “You don’t hear me?”

3:31 Silverman: “No, that fuckin’… who is that guy with the mouth?”

3:33 Chris: “I’m a…I’m a salesman.”

3:35 Silverman: “Well, who’s the big mouth behind you?”

3:36 Chris: “Uh… he’s another salesman.”

3:37 Silverman: “Put him on the fuckin’ phone.”

3:38 Chris: “He’s taking care of a customer.”

3:40 Silverman: “Uh… would you tell him to shut his fuckin’ mouth. I don’t need to hear that shit when I’m tryin’ to talk to you.”

3:45 Chris: “Okay.”

3:45 Silverman: “Uh, what do you want to do? You want to race a car? You want to play baseball? What the fuck do you want?”

3:48 Chris: “I wanna play baseball.”

3:49 Silverman: “Alright, for what team?”

3:51 Chris: “Hopefully Yankees.”

3:52 Silverman: “Alright, I’m writin’ all this shit down. Give me your name.”

3:54 Chris: “My name is Chris.”

3:55 Silverman: “Yeah, that’s great Chris. Chris what?”

3:57 Chris: “[Inaudible 03:57].”

3:58 Silverman: “Alright [Inaudible 03:59], right?”

3:59 Chris: “Yes.”

4:00 Silverman: “Alright, so what do you want to do?”

4:01 Chris: “I want to play outfield.”

4:03 Silverman: “How… whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… whoa… Speedy Gonzales over here! I need your fuckin’ phone number.”

4:07 Chris: “Two one two…”

4:08 Silverman: “Yeah.”

4:08 Chris: “… [Inaudible 04:08] four…”

4:09 Silverman: “Right.”

4:10 Chris: “Eight [Inaudible 04:10] two.”

4:10 Silverman: “Well, what is that supposed to mean, hah?”

4:14 Chris: “That’s my number.”

4:14 Silverman: “Yeah, now I don’t give a fuck about the number. You just said you wanted to what in the outfield?”

4:18 Chris: “I want to play the outfield.”

4:19 Silverman: “Yeah, so do I want to play the outfield. You got to tell me more. I… I got to get you out there. I want to make top dollar for you. You know why?”

4:24 Chris: “I… I run the forty at four point four.”

4:27 Silverman: “Yeah, so do I.  Let me tell you somethin’. I’ll tell you what?”

4:31 Chris: “What?”

4:31 Silverman: “I gotta make top dollar for you so I can get paid.”

4:34 Chris: “Okay.”

4:35 Silverman: “Alright! Now, uh… yes… wha-what team did you say you wanted to play for?”

4:39 Chris: “Yankees.”

4:41 Silverman: “Alright, theYankees… we got a couple of slots in the Yankees. What do you want, short stop or second base?”

4:48 Chris: “I don’t play the inside. I play the outfield.”

4:49 Silverman: “Yeah. Well, listen asshole. You don’t have many choices here. I’m tryin’ to make you millions of dollars. You’re talkin’ about the fuckin’ outfield. Uh… you know there used to be [Inaudible 04:57] in the 80’s. Nobody gave a fuck about the outfield. You understand what I’m sayin’?”

5:00 Chris: “I understand.”

5:01 Silverman: “The [Inaudible 05:01] there where the fuckin’ cameras can get on ya. Nobody… and in the outfield, you get hit with bottles, knives and all kind of shit. You get up there, you play the infield like a man. You take a line drive to the cock like a fuckin’ man.”

5:13 Chris: “Well, do you think I could make it like Derek Jeter?”

5:16 Silverman: “So Derek Jeter is a fuckin’ pong. What do mean Derek Jeter? You want me to bump the fucker for you?”

5:21 Chris: “I would love that.”

5:23 Silverman: “Go ahead. Shoot.”

5:25 Chris: “So what… when… when can I set up an interview?”

5:27 Silverman: “Look, are you serious about playin’ ball?”

5:28 Chris: “I’m very serious.”

5:30 Silverman: “Well, first of all, have… did you ever play ball?”

5:32 Chris: “I played high school and college.”

5:34 Silverman: “You played college ball?”

5:35 Chris: “Yeah.”

5:36 Silverman: “What college?”

5;37 Chris: “Florida State.”

5:38 Silverman: “They sucked.”

5:40 Chris: “Not in the years I was there.”

5:41 Silverman: “Unhh, okay. Well, you… you know, you sound like a little fruit loop to me. That’s what you sound like. How much do you weigh?”

5:47 Chris: “One ninety.”

5:48 Silverman: “One ninety. How tall are you?”

5:50 Chris: “Six foot.”

5:51 Silverman: “Six foot, 190… that’s a little scrawny, don’t you think?”

5:54 Chris: “My arms are pretty big.”

5:55 Silverman: “Ahhh! Your arms are big. What the fuck use are your arms… [Inaudible 05:57]. My cock is big. What’s that gonna do for me?”

6:00 Chris: “Shit!”

6:01 Silverman: “Is there somethin’ wrong with you?”

6:02 Chris: “No, there’s nothing wrong with me.”

6:03 Silverman: “Alright…uhh. Let’s see. I’m goin’ to try to think where I can fit you. Uhh! You wouldn’t mind being a batboy for a couple of weeks, right?”

6:10 Chris: “A batboy?”

6:11 Silverman: “For a few weeks.”

6:12 Chris: “Where?”

6:13 Silverman: “At the fuckin’ Yankees.”

6:16 Chris: “Listen, I don’t want to be a batboy.”

6:17 Silverman: “Well, that’s how we move them up. We get them on the field there. You know, we break them in slow and then we move them right into the dugout.”

6:22 Background noise

6:24 Chris: “Alright, that sounds like a plan. Hey! I mean you… you’re the one who knows it better than me, so…”

6:30 Silverman: “Well, listen to me.”

6:31 Chris: “Okay.”

6:32 Silverman : “You know [Inaudible 06:32] up their Jeter. Who the fuck you think put him on the Yankees?”

6:35 Chris: “Umm… I have no idea.”

6:37 Silverman: “Silverman, baby! Me!”

6:39 Chris: “Yeah?”

6:40 Silverman: “Okay! Now, there’s another way. We can go another route too. I get you in even quicker.”

6:45 Chris: “How?”

6:45 Silverman: “I start you at the end of the week there. You’re sellin’ peanuts up in the crowd.”

6: 49 Chris: “I have to sell peanuts?”

6:51 Silverman: “Well, you don’t have to sell ’em. I’m just telling you a faster route. I get you up there selling the fuckin’ peanuts.  Next thing you know, I got you on the field with the fuckin’ bats. Next thing I get you in the dugout sittin’ with the guys.”

7:00 Background noise

7:00 Chris: “And… and when I’m sitting with the guys, I get a shot?”

7:04 Silverman: “You want a shot?”

7:05 Chris: “I want a shot.”

7:05 Silverman: “Well, I’m tellin’ you I’m going to get you a shot. Now, let’s talk salary. How much you want?”

7:11 Chris: “I think I’d like hopefully like fifty grand.”

7:14 Silverman: “What the fuck is with fifty grand, you asshole? I gotta make money here. We’re talkin’ millions of dollars. You are talkin’ fifty grand and you go in with that figure, they’ll laugh me out of the fuckin’ ball park. I’m goin’ to go in there. I’m goin’ to shoot ’em a figure for two million for you for the first year. Okay?”

7:28 Chris: “Okay.”

7:29 Silverman: “And… ahh… I get 20 percent of that.”

7:32 Chris: “So, when could we start?”

7:33 Silverman: “Alright. Look, what you got to do, you gotta prepare yourself a little baseball suit, the costume.”

7:37 Chris: “Okay.”

7:38 Silverman: “You get yourself a nice little costume, slip it on you and get on that subway or somethin’ and come over to my place.”

7:42 Chris: “Where’s your place?”

7:43 Silverman: “It’s over downtown Manhattan. I wanna see you in a costume.”

7:45 Chris: “Okay.”

7:46 Silverman: “When I see you in the costume, I see you doing some moves and swingin’ around there, you know… you know how you dust off your fuckin’ slacks after you slide home. You know, you dust yourself off in front of me, shit like that, I gotta see, I gotta get a look on camera, alright?”

8:00 Chris: “That sounds great.”

8:00 Silverman: “Alright, you look good to me. I got your number here. I’ll call you fuckin’ back in a couple of weeks. I’ll get you in the fuckin’ dugout.”

8:06 Chris: “Wow! That sounds awesome.”

8:08 Silverman: “Alright!”

8:08 Chris: “When can I stop… when can I come to your house?”

8:10 Silverman: “You can come to my house when I fuckin’ call you when I’m ready.”

8:13 Chris: ‘Oh, you need to call me.”

8:14 Silverman: “I’ll call you when I’m fuckin’ ready for you.”

8:16 Chris: “Okay.”

8:16 Silverman: “I gotta few people comin’ down this week. Look, okay… look, I gotta get off the fuckin’ phone.”

8:20 Chris: “Uh… are you sure you’re the guy who knows what he’s doing?”

8:23 Silverman: “Yeah, I know what I’m doin’. I’m goin’ to get you on the funkin’ Yankees. That’s goin’ to show you how I know what I’m doin’, alright, you little prick. Don’t call [Inaudible 08:27].”

8:29 Chris: “How… how else do you [Inaudible 08:30] you get a call?”

8:31 Silverman: “What’s that?”

8:32 Chris: “When will I get a… receive a call?”

8:33 Silverman: “I’ll tell ya. I’ll fuckin’ call you when I’m ready. Will you get your fuckin’ ass ready to play ball son?”

8:37 Chris: “I’m always ready.”

8:38 Silverman: “Yeah, you get ready and now remember I said keep that fuckin’ mouth toned down, alright punk?”

8:43 Chris: “Alright sir.”

8:43 Silverman: “Alright.”

8:44 Chris: “Thank you. Thank you very much.”

8:45 Silverman: “Yeah, [Inaudible 08:46].”

 

Man, that’s timeless, sellin’ the fuckin’ peanuts!

Take a line drive to the cock like a fuckin’ man! Get your ass on the infield where you get lots of TV time! Derek Jeter… Who do you think put Derek Jeter on the Yankees? Silverman, baby!

 

The track we just listened to was off the Jerky Tapes or the 6th CD in the Jerky Boys Collection. You may have noticed that this cut ran almost six minutes. That was completely intentional with this particular CD. All the cuts were very long.

As a matter of fact, the shortest call was a cut named Bright and it was done for the Howard Stern Show. It’s a classic bit about Gary’s haircut. It ran four minutes and twenty-seven seconds and that’s the shortest track.

The reason I decided to put this CD together is because I had received tons of requests from fans. They would ask, you know, “Are you… Johnny… look, you got any cuts that you’ve done that ran really long?” They’d say, “There must be some cuts that are killer, you know, that you got in the can, but you just can’t use them because they’re too long.”

As you know, most… all of the cuts run about two to three minutes. You’re in and you’re out pretty quickly. That’s just the way it worked. That was the chemistry, but then I thought about it and said, “Shit! There are a lot of great tracks that I have that I have not used just because of that fact that they were too long.” I didn’t think that the people would want to sit and listen to cuts that were over three minutes.

But I was wrong, so I put together the Jerky Tapes. It was a completely unique CD that had plenty of insane bits, like the Flower Lady for example. That call was to my manager’s home and went on for over a three-week period. It was an incoming call by this woman who owned a flower shop and was going to do the flowers at my manager Harry’s wedding and from there, the chaos that went on on those calls was so incredible that I turned the Flower lady into a Trilogy on the Jerky Tapes CD. There was just so much great material and so many characters in and out terrorizing this woman. Sweet, sweet stuff!

There is also a ten-minute cut named What’s wrong with this world where it’s a crazy Frank Rizzo telling the guy on the phone that, There ain’t no more decency in this world.” Well, he’s standing in his window, balls naked, rubbing one out. So the neighborhood kids fire a rocket [Inaudible 10:54] right through the fucking window for being a dirt bag and he gets pissed. He’s talking about decency. Unreal!

This cut was actually turned into a hilarious cartoon that will be available. Well, I hope you have enjoyed this week’s Jerky Boys Classic Cut and I look forward to having you back for the next one. Oh, yeah… and don’t forget. Tone down that fuckin’ smart mouth of yours Charlie. You got me sizzle chest?

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